Perspective

blog moving....

2007-02-18T21:17:00.000-06:00

So, I'm moving my blog.. not sure if I'll successfully import this whole blog. I'm trying to, but not very technologically literate, despite my increased tech knowledge of late. But in the meantime.. it's called "pressed but not crushed", and can be found at:

http://madcitycat.wordpress.com

Existing Normal

2007-02-01T23:00:00.000-06:00

This popped up on our desktop tonight... we're not sure why. But it was too funny to pass up. And the answer is, yes, part of the existing normal I would like to replace... the part where we don't have any children to call our own. the part where Cathy still has narcolepsy and fibromyalgia... the part where some of my best friends still haven't received answers to their deepest prayers either... the part where people around us (and often ourselves) are in pain-physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

The part of existing normal I do not want to replace: my loving husband, my great friends, our two dogs (our own and our foster dog), our families, our church, living in Madison.... there are many things about the "existing normal" that I love and don't want to replace.

And for these, I am grateful.

Laptop Happiness

2007-01-25T22:37:00.000-06:00

It's back... I'm so happy. This morning when I woke up I went to the desktop computer to check on the status of my repair/shipment... and I saw that it was in Madison!! Then, when we got to church, Theresa told me that she had signed for my package!! Joy, joy, joy...

I'm so happy.

Now if only I had more time to play on it... ah, well.. one can't have everything.

What's wrong with this picture?

2007-01-21T22:16:00.000-06:00

I think I'm coming down with something. It's kind of scaring me, because I've never come down with this before.. some illnesses I know. I may not like them, but I know them: fibro, chronic fatigue, cold, flu, ear infection, malaria (ok, so that one I may not recognize since I had it so long ago), migraines.... but this, this is new.

I'm finding myself looking up facts about it on the internet...
I'm thinking about it throughout the day...
I'm actually excited about this...
I'm asking Jim questions about people involved...
And I can't wait for two weeks from now...

What is it? Football fever!
Yes, it must be a fever, because nothing else can quite describe why I'm suddenly interested in this game, and actually watching it on tv, even! Even though I'm from New England, and proud of it, I'm sick of hearing about the Patriots win, and am glad the Colts beat them tonight. Way to go, Colts!

But, GO BEARS!

Safe Passage/Hanley Denning

2007-01-20T09:39:00.000-06:00

I was shocked and saddened yesterday to receive an email from Bowdoin College president saying that one of my classmates, Hanley Denning, was killed in a car accident in Guatemala City this week. Hanley and I were not best friends, but hung out in the same group of friends. She was so incredibly nice... really. People say that often after someone dies, but Hanley was probably on my top 10 list of nicest people ever. I had not talked with her since graduation in '92, but had recently heard about her, after Jim, Jo Ann and I returned from Guatemala...

While in Antigua, one of the world's greatest cities, we stayed at a place called "Lazos Fuertes" and while there we learned that that hotel gives all their proceeds to Safe Passage. Safe Passage is an organization that provides opportunities for kids living in garbage dumps, through education. We were so excited to be staying in a place that was so generous...

And when we returned from Guatemala, and I looked up Safe Passage on the internet, I learned that Hanley had founded and was the president of Safe Passage!

So I am sad today.. Rest in peace, Hanley. Way to live....

Still withdrawn

2007-01-19T08:20:00.000-06:00

It's amazing how addicted I am to my laptop. I still miss it. I'm tracking its' repair progress everyday on email, and I can't wait until it's back!

The good part is that I'm not as consumed by the computer, because it's not as comfortable for me to sit at a desk as it is in a comfy chair somewhere, typing away...

Oh well.. such is the laptop-less life..

Laptop Withdrawal

2007-01-17T17:38:00.000-06:00

A few short hours ago I left my beloved laptop at the Apple Store in Milwaukee to be sent out for repairs. The optical drive is shot. This is the second time the optical drive will be replaced on this machine, in about one year. Strange but true. Even the Apple people are a bit puzzled by this, but they assure me it's not the machine, it's the optical drive. This comes after I used a sermon illustration on Sunday in which I praised Apple, and spoke of how much I love Apple computers. Which is still true. In fact I love them so much I am having withdrawal symptoms right now. No shakes, yet, but that may come.

So I'm sitting at the desktop in our home office. The desktop is basically Jim's now, since we bought the laptop and I hog that. I've offered, but he seems to prefer the desktop.

Billy, my ProCare Genius, tells me that we should never call our portable computers "laptops" because that is misleading.. in fact, these machines should not sit on our laps, neither the Apple nor the other versions. But I still call it a laptop, because I do hold it on my lap sometimes.. but now, after learning a few things from Billy, I try to put some sort of hard surface under it. At least I backed everything up last night, which impressed the Apple guy today. (Scott, not Billy. Billy's my ProCare Genius, Scott's the Tech Genius.)

Anyhow, I digress. The point is, about three hours and counting... without my laptop. And I miss it. How will I manage without my great photo software? How will I manage when I'm having a bad fibro day and have to actually work on a desktop computer instead of working from bed? Now Jim and I have to get back to that archaic notion of sharing a computer!

Should be an interesting 7-10 business days.....

the latest...

2007-01-15T19:19:00.000-06:00

MLK Jr. Day... we were going to attend the annual celebration at the Capitol, but I woke up with a killer migraine, which lasted all day. So, not much celebrating today. at our house... just a lot of laying in bed, which sounds nice until you can't move your head without it throbbing. But despite no celebrations here, I thank God for MLK Jr. and his legacy.

Wich is leaving us soon, to study at UW Whitewater. It's a great opportunity for him, and we're excited for him. It's a bit weird, seeing our Thai student leave! It was sad to see Shogo leave, and now Wich..

But we have another ESL student! Jihong, a Korean girl, arrived at our house last week, and we love her. So the house is not empty yet, and that's a good thing.

Adoption continues to lag and slow down. Some predictions are for our referral to arrive in May, other predictions are for the fall. I'm trying not to predict, but it's hard. It continues to be an absolute drag to wait and wait, and see that China's still slowing down and cracking down. Effective May 1, 2007 (so this does not include us), the following people can't adopt in China: singles, the fat, the depressed, those who have had cancer in recent history, and I forget what else. I'm told that occasionally this happens. And fluctuates... so it will likely change again. In the meantime, there are numerous couples and singles are waiting for our Chinese children....and waiting and waiting....

It has finally snowed in Madison! It's beautiful. Granted, Jim's the one who shovels, not me, so it's easy for me to be happy about snow... but it finally feels like winter! It's great. Hopefully tomorrow I will be up and out of bed, able to actually enjoy the snow.

Highs and Lows, 2006

2007-01-02T22:03:00.000-06:00

I'm so behind on blogging it's pitiful. So in an effort to catch up just a little, I've been working on a list of 2006 highs and lows..

Lows:
-adoption delays
-lots of babies born in our life/pregnancies
-no summer trip to Vermont
-more adoption delays
-deaths of friends at Arbor and in Guatemala
-never cleaned out the garage, really
-very little snow-ick. Icky "winter" weather
-heart desires of Jim and me and of one of my best friends--not granted
-gained weight
-even further adoption delays

Highs:
-Wich and Shogo, our ESL students
-we got a laptop
-Chicago Cubs fired Dusty Baker
-began "Project 7000" (photo organization)
-we cooked a lot
-new friends
-saw the Harlem Globetrotters
-family visits
-saw old friends
-Entropy
-met more neighbors, got to know other neighbors more
-discovered our favorite coffee shop in Madison--Barriques
-trip to Guatemala

Christmas lights, Cookie dough, long walks....

2006-12-27T16:13:00.000-06:00

Cathy's been too busy to post lately. So we dogs thought we'd add our two cents. It's been a good but crazy week or so here at the Stanley-Erickson home. Cathy's been decorating that Christmas tree with her hundreds of lights. In other words, hours away from giving us attention. That's not the good part. The good part is that both Cathy and Jim have been baking. It happens about once a year, and this is the season. We like it, because we usually get to lick the beaters, the spoons, etc.. and occasionally Cathy drops pieces of cookie dough for us. (Don't worry.. for those of you who might freak out at "dog germs", Jim and Cathy put these dishes in the dishwasher.)

Then, Jim and Cathy feel so guilty for not spending a ton of time with us, and so they take us for long walks. All good. All very good. There's a gift under the tree with the tag "Entropy", and there was one for "Abby", but Abby began to tear it apart, sensing it was a dog toy.. So Cathy hid it, and now we have to wait until Christmas Eve to find out what it is. Bother. Oh well, it's still all good.

We're signing off, because we hear a rattle in the kitchen... it might be more food. We'd better check it out.

Abby & Entropy

p.s. we wrote this a couple of weeks ago, but Cathy's just now posting it.. she's hoping to post more soon.

...and a little shame

2006-11-28T20:30:00.000-06:00

At church that Sunday in Vermont, at the church I have previously referred to as one of my favorite churches, I felt shame. I should also say, again, that I love Windham church. Absolutely love it. I don't blame anyone for the feelings I felt that day. This is just a sad reality of infertility and other such situations: being in church is sometimes challenging.

We read, responsively, Psalm 127. Psalm 127 had not caught my eye much in the past four-and-a-half years. But that day it did. Because I was reading it aloud.. And because it made my eyes tear up... "Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warrior’s hands. How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them! He will not be put to shame when he confronts his accusers at the city gates." (verses 3-5, NLT)

During the responsive reading, we sang, twice:

We will not be put to shame.
We will not be put to shame.

And yet, I felt complete and utter shame by the fact that my husband and I cannot have biological children. Do I still want to adopt? Absolutely. That's not the issue. The issue is that I am put to shame every morning when I wake up and remember that it's been almost a year-and-a-half since we started the adoption process, and still have no daughter.. that we've been trying to have kids for almost five years... that some people get pregnant so quickly, and others struggle and struggle and struggle... and nothing. Yes, I have been put to shame. Even though I'm not a "young man", I'm a woman who's fighting a battle: the battle of infertility. My quiver has no children. My soul feels shame and sadness on a daily basis.

And yet, I hope. At least I try to hope. And when I can't, I count on friends and family to hope for me, for us, because sometimes it's just too hard.

a little hope...

2006-11-28T20:13:00.000-06:00

In Vermont, recently, I bought a sign of hope for our future adopted daughter. I bought a Mary Meyer teddy bear, and a Mary Meyer moose. I bought these stuffed toys for two reasons: One, they're all I can emotionallly afford to buy for our future daughter right now. They're the first things I have been able to purchase for a future child, and the last things for quite awhile. At least that's how I feel today. Second, this was the last time I foresee being in Vermont until we go to China. And I want our daughter's first toy from us to be a Mary Meyer teddy bear.

Mary Meyer was a resident of my hometown, Townshend, VT. (Technically my hometown is W. Townshend, but I call them both home.) Before my family moved there, Mary Meyer had started her toy company. Actually, she started it elsewhere, but moved it to Townshend in the '40's. and the factory was in Townshend, a few short miles from my parents' home. Every Christmas time, the gradeschool in Townshend gave a Christmas program at the Town Hall. At the end of the program, all of us gradeschool children lined up, and Mary Meyer handed us each a stuffed toy from her factory. It was one of the highlights of the year for some of us small kids.

Mary Meyer died in 1999, but her family carries on the company in her name. So when I was in Vermont, I had my dad stop at the Mary Meyer store while Tessa and I went inside to choose a toy for our future daughter. Tessa helped me choose two. That's my little bit of hope.

Thank you, Mary Meyer.. thank you for those toys you gave me so long ago, and thank you for the little bit of hope you continue to give me today.

Hasta luego, popcorn!

2006-11-28T19:13:00.000-06:00

Popcorn is one of my favorite foods. Drenched in butter, of course. So this afternoon Maria joined me in a huge venture: eating my last tub of movie popcorn. Last tub, that is, for two years. Yep, that's right- two years. No, I'm not disciplined enough to give it up on my own. Not movie popcorn, not non-movie popcorn. I don't give up popcorn easily. Instead I'm getting braces tomorrow, and will have them on for two years! Sigh. Not sure how I feel about that. Eventually I hope I'll be grateful. For now I'm a bit worried about having braces as an adult, for two years, in upcoming photos in China with our newly adopted daughter (dare I even say that, or will that jinx it?), etc. Vain, I know, but true. I'm a bit nervous.

But back to the popcorn. No popcorn for two years. So Maria and I went to the movies and saw "Casino Royale", the new James Bond movie. Good, though violent. It is Bond, after all... I should have remembered that. Anyhow, fun movie, and even better popcorn. Hopefully it will last, since I'll have two years without it.

Hasta luego, popcorn! Hola, braces...
Hasta luego, that is, unless I find some hull-less popcorn....

Big-breasted turkey

2006-11-26T16:02:00.000-06:00

Jo Ann made super wild rice scones for our Thanksgiving breakfast.

We relaxed over coffee and scones, until we realized we needed to get started on the turkey.

We prepped the turkey.

Our turkey was too big.

The electric roaster manual claims to hold a turkey of that size.

Sometimes manuals aren't accurate.

Or they don't tell the whole truth: the roaster held the turkey...the lid just didn't close all the way.

We warmed up the oven and Jim ran to the store to buy a bigger foil roasting pan, so we could transfer the turkey to the oven.

Four to five hours later, Jo Ann and I figured out where the turkey thigh was, to poke the meat thermometer into.

Everything was basically ready at the same time.

Jo Ann had decorated the table with stuff from our kitchen and collections of napkins and candles.

Charlie brought sparkling apple cider.

Wich got to drive his new car (a '99 Beetle) to pick up his friend, Kevin, for dinner.

We stuffed ourselves on mashed potatoes, turkey, apple and sausage stuffing, brussel sprouts (for Charlie), crescent rolls, waldorf salad, and the All-American green bean dish.

Dessert was Rita's sweet potato pie, and Jo Ann's excellent apple pie.

Dessert was accompanied by Guatemalan coffee. Mmm mmm good.

Cooking together with friends is loads of fun.

Taking a walk after dinner is necessary.

Watching a favorite TV show at night with friends is a good way to finish the day.

Happy Belated Thanksgiving....

Vermont... home.

2006-11-14T15:00:00.000-06:00

I'm in Vermont. I love Vermont. Home. I flew to Hartford on Saturday, my sister and her family picked me up at the airport, and we drove to Vermont, to my parents home, where we celebrated my Dad's 70th birthday. His birthday was actually yesterday, but fun to celebrate when Susie and her family were here too.

I've been helping my mother in recent days with her new computer... a laptop. We're talking basics, as well more advanced stuff like photo editing. It's been quite good for my ego, making me falsely feel like a Mac Genius. "Falsely" being the key word there. Still, it's fun, and fun to see my mother learn some computer stuff.

Saturday afternoon, Susie (my oldest sister) and I took a walk up the mountain from my parents' home, just enjoying the woods, the sunny day, the gorgeous weather, etc. Two of these photos are from that walk (the fern, and the barbed wire "crown of thorns").

That evening before dinner, I painted Bennett's, face.. like a tiger. Bennett is my four-year old nephew, and he was a riot.... crawling on his hands and knees, growling at everyone, "scaring" us. I finally asked the "tiger" where Bennett was. He looked at me, pointed to his face with both his hands, and said, "I'm here-- inside!"

Sunday we attended one of my favorite churches in the world: Windham Congregational Church. Favorite because I spent several years there as a youngster, and favorite because it's so Windham.. quaint, small.. country church. In the fall/winter/early spring they hold their services downstairs in the fellowship hall/town library.. because the upstairs sanctuary isn't heated. So the 20-25 of us sat in a circle of hardback wooden chairs, balancing hymnals, bibles, bulletins on our laps, while participating in the worship service. I love Windham.

Now Mom and I are at the Twilight Tea Lounge in Brattleboro, which has free wireless internet with a purchase of tea. Mom's working on her blog, I'm checking email and working on my blog, enjoying the tea lounge atmosphere. And enjoying Mom's discovery of the internet! Really! It's pretty fun..

Tomorrow I return to Madison. It'll be good to see Jim, Shogo, Wich, Abby and Entropy.. But I'll miss being with my parents and Tessa here in Vermont. Until next time!

Defining "big"

2006-10-31T19:55:00.000-06:00

We have a big dog. Abby is golden retriever/black lab mix... 70 pounds.. big enough to leave us little room when she sleeps on the bed. Yes, she sometimes sleeps on the bed. However, I've always said that if we got a second dog, I'd want a "big" dog-a Great Dane, a malamute, something like that...

Enter Entropy. Entropy is Abby's new foster brother... an Anatolian Shepherd, 150 pounds... gorgeous. He gives a new definition to the word "big". Now we know that Abby is actually small! Anatolians are from Turkey, where they defend sheep from bears... thus their size and strength. Entropy belongs to a family from church, who are from MN, but attending grad school at UW. Entropy had been living in MN with family, but the family needed a break, is getting older, and tired. So we have him for awhile. How long is awhile? Who knows, who cares! He's adorable! He's a giant teddy bear, he thinks he's a lap dog... he's funny. He's a mush, and Abby seems to be doing ok so far. So now we have a big dog!

Recent Pix

2006-10-28T11:14:00.000-05:00

We, like most people, have been quite busy in the past three weeks, and I have photographed some of our goings on... here are some highlights.. more to come later.

Dane County Farmer's Market

Farmer's Market Mums

Clergy Retreat at Covenant Harbor-practicing for the Pumpkin Lob

Clergy Retreat-Fish Boil

laughing at the UW Womens Hockey Game... photo by a 7-year old

a Pastor's makeup, as in mascara, eye shadow, etc..

2006-10-18T19:19:00.000-05:00

Last Sunday I forgot to put on makeup. It's not like I'm Tammy Faye or anything. Makeup isn't the most important part of my day, and I put on a bare minimum. But that bare minimum is enough to give me the impression-true or false- that I'm put together. I don't know what happened this past Sunday. Shortly before church started, I went into the restroom, and when I looked in the mirror, I gasped. I had no makeup with me at church. Nothing. I'm not the type who carries makeup around, except when I think I might cry, and will need to reapply. I could do nothing, except be a pastor without makeup that day.

I messed up during the service. I said "sins" instead of "debts" in the Lord's Prayer.. My Pastoral prayer was a little "off", I felt.. The fact is, lacking that bare minimum of makeup made me feel not-at-all-together. It's not like anybody else noticed, or if they did they didn't say anything. I suppose that would be a strange thing to say, "Hey, did you forget your makeup today?" I noticed--once I looked in the mirror. (I wonder if I hadn't looked in the mirror if I would have noticed eventually?) And I felt wrong, all morning.

It got me to thinking.. that's what time with God's supposed to do for me each day, isn't it? I admit, my devotional life has been less-than satisfactory lately. My struggles with God because of this ongoing pain of infertility and adoption delays have sometimes left me not wanting to read my Bible, or pray.. especially in the morning, because I usually tear up when reading the Bible, and then I'd have to reapply makeup. But I digress. Daily time with God should be more than the bare minimum, and it's intention is not to cover anything up, like a face-that-is-too-pale.. rather, it can be the glue that puts us together for the day. Not protecting us from harm, from bad days, from the world caving in around us.. but providing some strength and sustenance to help us respond and manage a bit better. And hopefully we grow closer to God. That's the idea.

So, hopefully this Sunday I'll remember my makeup. But more importantly, hopefully everyday I'll spend time with God, gaining strength for the day, listening to God's voice, praying for others and self, and resting in God's Word. At least that's the idea.

things that make me smile

2006-10-06T23:18:00.000-05:00

Abby and Jim on one of our walks

Fall Colors

wildlife in Glendale Neighborhood
(again, on our walk)

At the World Dairy Expo

an adoption primer/the reasons i'm easily sad

2006-10-06T23:01:00.000-05:00

We're adopting from China-no news there. Most who read this know this, and if you did not know it, you know it now.

Now the primer.

Dossier=the huge mountain of paperwork that adoptive parents go through. This can take about three months to compile, and includes retrieving copies of birth certificates (Jim's and mine), wedding certificate, reference letters, signed physical forms from doctors, etc.
Log In Date (LID) = the day that our Dossier is officially logged in with the CCAA (China Center of Adoption Affairs), in China. Our LID is January 12, 2006.
Referral Date = the day we receive a name/a few stats/an orphange photo of our Chinese daughter.
Travel Approval (TA) = the date we are given to travel to China....usually 6-8 weeks after referral date.
Expiration Dates = the dates on which some of our Dossier documents expire, and we have to have them renewed... costing us more money.

When we first began this process (June 2005), the referral time was 6-8 months, which was hard enough following painful years of infertility. Last November, the same weekend we found out our embryo transfer-our last hope of medical help with getting pregnant-we found out that the referral time was being extended. I can't remember exactly how long, at that point. And that's not important. Lately, since early summer I think, we've been told that the referral time is 13 months, and we should expect it to lengthen more. Well the other day we got official word that it has lengthened to 14 months, and will continue to lengthen more.

So, all summer we hoped that our Referral would come in February... traveling in March or April. Now, it seems that we won't get a referral until March, at the earliest date. I cannot believe this. I honestly cannot believe this. I feared it, I honestly did not think it would really get this long.

Oh, and by the way.. those expiration dates? They should have been fine, but as things are currently proceeding, they will expire before we travel to China, meaning that we have to pay over $700 to renew these documents.

Meanwhile friends get pregnant, friends have babies, friends get to spend money and time planning for babies, buying baby stuff... we get to wait...and watch...and hope that someday soon we get to spend money on a daughter instead of on renewing paperwork we have already spent money on.

These are the reasons I'm easily sad.

What I wanted to preach...

2006-09-24T22:07:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago I preached on Mark 7:24-38.. the Syrophoenician Woman who wanted Jesus to heal her daughter of demons.. Jesus gave his weird response of "Let the children be fed first, for it is not fair to take the children's food and throw it to the dogs." Huh? The woman answered, "Sir, even the dogs under the table eat the children's crumbs..." Then because of her response, Jesus healed this woman's daughter.

It's a weird text, and I wanted to preach about how it's not fair that Jesus gave in to this woman's persistence and cleverness..while not to other reqeusts. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy this woman's daughter was healed. Quite happy. But what's the deal with this "clever response gets the healing"? Many of us have been persistently praying for crumbs of God's grace for years, and even resorted to clever responses, yet to no avail... Admittedly, we receive grace and mercy in other ways.. and I don't want to seem ungrateful. Because I am grateful for God's provision in numerous ways-Jim, my family, good friends, a job I enjoy, a house, the best dog in the world, etc. The list goes on. Truly. I am very fortunate. But I am also tired of begging for crumbs, crumbs that are not bad things to beg for. I'm not talking here about petty things like, "help me to ace my test, even though I didn't study." I'm talking about "God, help us to get pregnant.." or "God, please let Connie overcome cancer" or "God, please provide a good husband for my friend." Is this too much to ask? This is what I wanted to preach.

After my sermon, someone shared with me about a horrible situation in which someone is dying... She said she doesn't want to settle for the spiritual healing, or God's presence in ways we can't always see.. she wants God to intervene in obvious and tangible ways: she wants the main person in this situation to be healed. Physically. I completely agree with her. I told her that while I wanted to preach on how I don't understand what God's doing anymore, I just couldn't .. I couldn't preach on that, because I was concerned that too many of my recent sermons ("recent"= past year or two!) have dealt with those issues of faith... And so I had to be a little more optimistic in my sermon this time.

Don't worry, I was honest and believed every word I preached. But I'm caught in this strange spiritual place that has become home... knowing that God can work good out of any situation, but wanting God to start making some situations good to begin with... I want to scream, "I don't get it! It's not fair!" Why is God continuing to answer our prayers in others' lives, and not in ours? Why do good people who are needed on earth die? Why, when the fertility journey has already been too long and totally unbearable, does God then prolong the adoption process even longer? Haven't I given God enough clever responses?

I don't know.

Update

2006-09-22T10:27:00.000-05:00

It's been ages, it seems.

Camp Cardboard has come down. Hallelujah! The guys have their rooms back, the living room is almost back-to-normal (we just need to clean/organize), and the basement remains dry at this point. We keep crossing our fingers.

We went to Chicago a bit ago, for a Cubs game.. we took Wich and Sho, and it was a great game to attend--once the Cubs rallied. They played so horribly for the first few innings, it was painful. The beer guy was walking around offering to sell cases to people who needed some support because the Cubs were playing so badly. But we saw the Cubs tie it up with the Dodgers, and we left in the 8th inning, because it was late.. but we listened to them win on the radio-11 innings! That was fun. Who would have guessed that by the end of summer '06, Cathy would love baseball!!

Sunday School has started at church... Fall is here. Along with that came colder weather. I'm still working on finding my cool-weather clothes, and switching out my summer ones.

Last weekend I was at Covenant Harbor (yay!) with women from our church and from the Central Conference, at the Womens' Retreat. I love these retreats, not only because of location, speaker, meeting others... but because groups who attend together usually bond, act silly, let their hair down and laugh a lot.

Today I need to do some work (calls and emails, work on church website, worship prep, etc.), but also some home-work.. continuing projects, organizing, and generally putzing around.

Camp Cardboard Haiku

2006-09-07T22:59:00.000-05:00

Hard rain moves inside.
students move to living room.
project moves slowly.

Project Update

2006-09-02T19:32:00.000-05:00

Roto-Rooter Guy showed up yesterday and did his work, thankfully.. Yay. One issue resolved.

Servicemaster Guy finished his work yesterday afternoon late.. two industrial size dehumidifiers downstairs, and about five blowers provide a constant loud humming noise while they dry out the carpet and the drywall. One issue hopefully in the process of being resolved.

Carpet Place Person will show up Tuesday morning to give an estimate for padding underneath the carpets. One issue still to be resolved.

Project Garage saw a little more progress yesterday. That was fun. I actually love organizing the garage. I found some things in boxes which hadn't been unpacked since we left Jersey-January 2004.( Including some nostalgic photos.. of Carol and Tessa... and Donna and me on the rollercoaster that we actually liked.) Another issue being resolved.

So, now I'm wishing our house didn't smell so much (windows remain shut during this drying-out-process)...
Thankful that our downstairs issues are being resolved...
Happy that good friendly workers (all guys, at this point) are showing up to do their jobs.
Thrilled that issues are being resolved. Gotta love it.

Project House-Falls-Apart

2006-09-01T12:58:00.000-05:00

Nothing is simple anymore. Ok, maybe a slight exaggeration, but then again, maybe not.

We returned from MN to spend two vacation days here in WI. Yesterday we were going to clean out the garage..Project Garage has been on my list of things to do for over two years. Finally, it was going to be started, at least. Today, we were going to take the hour drive (more or less) to Devil's Lake, and enjoy the day hiking, maybe swimming, after a hard days' work at Project Garage. We were going to do these things...

Instead, we returned from MN to numerous spots of soggy carpet in the basement. Last week we had torrential downpours in Madison, including while we were gone. Apparently water came in through the walls by the downstairs window wells (because those walls are slightly wet as well), seeped through the floor...and left many soggy spots in the three carpeted rooms.

So yesterday, Project Garage turned into Project Move-All-the-Furniture-Out-of-Sho-and-Wich's-Rooms so Servicemaster could come pull the carpets. Sho is sleeping upstairs in the living room. Wich returns on Monday, and will probably have to sleep upstairs as well. Today, Servicemaster Guy (very nice) is pulling out baseboards, molding, and carpet...then he'll remove the soggy smelly padding from the floor. He will also somehow dry out the drywall. Which is so wet it's hard to pull nails out of the molding. Fun.

Hopefully on Wednesday, Carpet Place Person will come and lay new padding and the dried out carpet. Then Servicemaster Guy will return and clean those carpets.

Oh yeah.. this afternoon the sewer backed up into the downstairs shower. Gross. Servicemaster Guy tested that area with some kind of a moisture-o-meter, and has concluded the two issues are not related. So now we're waiting for Roto-Rooter Guy to show up either today or tomorrow to fix that problem.

Project Garage is slow-going at the moment. I'm thinking of putting up supports outside the house in case the walls fall down this week...

Minnesohhhta

2006-08-28T14:46:00.006-05:00

We're in Minnesota for a few days of vacation. Our "guys", Wich and Sho (international students living with us while they study ESL at WESLI in Madison) came with us for the weekend. I think, I hope, they had a good time up here. We did the State Fair... I love the Minnesota State Fair. We spent six hours walking the Fairgrounds: viewing the 10-day-old piglets and the biggest pig in the state, petting the goats, sheep, and the alpacas, eating cheese curds, pronto pups, milkshakes from the dairy barn, and Tom Thumb mini-donuts, buying from vendors giving a schpeel at various booths, taking in the sights and sounds of the Minnesota State Fair. Cell phones are a wonder too, aren't they? Twice we were in communication with friends/family who we knew would also be at the Fair, to say, "What barn are you in? We'll be right there..." Fun. Gotta love technology at the Fairgrounds.

Sunday morning Sho went to church with us at Bethlehem, and sometime I need to blog about that experience-I sat through the service thinking of things through his eyes and mind.. It was his first time at a Christian church.

Sunday afternoon the guys went tubing at Camp Hansen! Nancy is Joan (my mother-in-law)'s cousin. Nancy has a small speedboat, a place on Lake Johanna.. and we had a blast! After the first ride around the lake with 5 humans and two dogs-both dogs named Abby-Nancy said we needed to lose some humans in order to pull a tube. The boat was too weighted down. So then I "spotted", which means I basically just watched the tubers, making sure they were ok, while I also held my camera, trying to take both video and still shots of Sho and Wich tubing. When Wich was tubing, our Abby was in the boat, and very concerned about Wich out in the water, so I also had to hold onto her the whole time, keeping her from going to the edge of the boat. While Wich tubed, Sho and Jim kayaked. And while Sho tubed, Jim kayaked.. Wich needed to rest after tubing! Joan and Dan joined us, bringing goodies and pop to enjoy, before Nancy took the guys out to each have a turn at driving the boat. Thanks, Nancy. It was such a fun afternoon for all of us.

Sunday night we went to Ted and Marilyn's for coffee and dessert. (Jim's Uncle and Aunt). Sho and Wich got a complete meet-and-greet weekend! Uncle Ted also gave the guys a tour of the senior residence they live in. We had the tour last year, and I love it there. I'm almost ready to move in! Coffee and dessert were of course excellent, but conversation was also good, and I always love being with family and friends.

This morning the guys got up early, and Jim, Wich, Sho and I went to Al's for breakfast. Al's is an experience. Some prefer dining establishments which impress health inspectors more.. some of us love Al's. Al's has been around for over 50 years, in Dinkytown by the University of Minnesota. The counter from which we eat, the plates, silverware, coffee mugs... these are all clean. But look up and you'll see dust hanging from the lights, torn walls, and grease just about everywhere. But it's worth it. They have the best pancakes- Wally Blues, Walnut and Blueberry pancakes. This morning Al's did not disappoint. We had to wait for a few minutes for seats.. but only a few minutes. Our favorite server wasn't there, but the guy who served was good and funny and very Al's-y. Doug, one of the Co-Owners, was cooking.. yelling at the wait staff (in a friendly way), the kitchen staff yelled out at Doug..the pancakes were to die for, and the staff was fun and funny.

After Al's, we had a few minutes before needing to drop the guys off at the Greyhound station, so we went downtown Minneapolis for some pictures-along a stone arch bridge, in the old mill ruins district, picture of the Mississippi... and the city behind.

All in all, a good weekend with the guys... in Minnesota.

More Summer Pics

2006-08-24T15:37:00.000-05:00

Pictures from a few weeks ago, when we visited my parents at Green Lake, and visited Jim's family in Minnesota (and Sue's family happened to be up there at the same time.)

me, my Dad, and my sister Tessa at Green Lake Conference Center

Will (sleeping), Robbie, Abby (dog), Savannah (dog), Hannah and Chris

Cathy, Will, Robbie, Sue, Hannah and Chris-in Minnesota

Robbie, Hannah, Jim and Chris

Clergy and Crackerjacks

2006-08-23T11:03:00.000-05:00

I've said it before, but now I know it's true: we have the best District Clergy group. I don't want to start any competition, so if you think you have a better one than Wisconsin/Libertyville, IL, go ahead and think that. I'm all for loyalty to one's District Clergy group. For those who don't know, in our denomination-the Covenant- clergy are encouraged to gather for prayer/support/Bible study, etc.. based on geographical regions. Our group was supposed to be part of a larger one in Illinois, but several years ago they began meeting as a smaller, geographically closer group: Wisconsin, and Dwight, from Libertyville, IL. I have no idea what other District Clergy groups do together besides prayer and study, but I love ours.

Last night we went to the Milwaukee Brewers/Colorado Rockies baseball game. Steve from Brat City brought peanuts and crackerjacks to share... thanks, Steve! Though we were spread out in one row, making it difficult to talk to everyone, and hard to get a good photo.. it was fun to be there together. The Brewers won the game... The Polish Sausage won the Sausage race...(I always root for the Brat, though next year I may have to cheer for the new Chorizo, we'll see), my headache disappeared thanks to someone giving me some good meds, and the weather was beautiful. Sitting in our row, we looked out and saw the baseball field.. and in the distance, through the glass wall of Miller Park, we saw part of the Milwaukee skyline, sun tinting the windows and everything.

Great night.. can't wait until next summer's Brewers' game!

Check out Steve's blog to read what he has to say about Game night.

Goings on

2006-08-18T22:28:00.000-05:00

I'm tired. Jim's tired. Is anybody not tired?

I finished my infertility article, and sent it for potential publication. We'll see what happens. It was both helpful and extremely painful to write it. But I'm glad I did, regardless of outcome.

We have had lots of company in the past week. Mom, Dad, and Tessa stopped by Saturday afternoon/overnight. I wish we had more time together, but was so grateful they could come to church with us. And I'm so glad they're rickety camper has now made it home to Vermont!

Mark, Fred, and Nikolas dropped in for about half an hour-good to see them.

Dawn, Andrew, and Althea-their 11-month old Chinese daughter-stopped by Sunday night/Monday. It was great to hang with them, meet Althea, and get excited about Chinese adoption.

Wednesday night, three college/grad students-Brenda, Ulrika and Michelle- came over for hot tub and conversation, only we never made it to the hot tub. We laughed, heard stories of camp and CBC Ecuador, saw some pictures, and had a good time.

VBS was fun, tiring, more exciting than I thought it would be. Just when you think, "This really isn't worth it anymore".. we get more kids than we expected. Abby even got to be the "lion" in "Daniel and the Lion's Den" on Tuesday night. What a good pastors' dog! Hopefully VBS at Arbor won't just be a four-evening service, but will extend beyond this week. Next week we'll send notes to the kids who attended...

Had our frozen embryo transfer worked last November, we'd have a newborn right now. Kind of grieving that this week. It doesn't help to hear of newborns-and preprations for newborns- in others' lives.

I've started jogging. Or, as Jim calls it, "Slow-trotting". I actually jog for a block, then walk for a few blocks. Then jog for a block. Only now I've worked up to jogging for two and sometimes even three blocks. Ha. Who'd have ever thought I'd be jogging? I guess I'm desperate, and my Pilates hasn't been as easy to access since we rearranged downstairs. I like this "jogging" attempt, because it's at night when nobody can see me... and I can come home and shower, and go to bed. My fibromyalgia has been affected, no doubt. But for now, it's worth it. We'll see how long I continue.

And, speaking of bed, it's time..Tomorrow I get up early, we're going to the Farmer's Market, then I'll be writing my sermon for much of the day.

Cool, Used and Nostalgic

2006-08-07T18:01:00.000-05:00

This past weekend we were in MN -Thursday night through Saturday afternoon-for my Board of Benevolence meeting. Friday morning we got to hang out with Sue (Jim's sister) and family, along with Joan and Dan (Jim's parents). We went on a fun walk by Minnehaha Creek before having a good picnic by a lake. I took a close up picture of a gorgeous flower-simple, but gorgeous. And cool. And today, when I uploaded the pictures to my computer, I noticed this bee flying into the flower! How cool is that!

Today we said goodbye to our car.. it has been starting to go, over the past few weeks, and last week a mechanic basically told us it was too old/had too many miles to add lots of money into it. The very next day, we began the search for our new (used) car, because the mechanic didn't recommend even driving ours very far any more. (In fact just this morning, our car was leaking power steering fluid in our driveway) We had hoped our trusty 1997 Mercury Sable would last another year, but no. We found a used (2003) Mazda mini-van we liked last week, but couldn't test-drive it until today. So today we went to Don Miller Mazda, test drove, then bought this nice, used, Mazda mini-van. Why a mini-van you may ask? We like them. We hope to have a kid... hopefully more than one kid. We will always have a dog as long as we can help it. We need more room than a standard car can provide. Maybe we're stepping out in too much faith, considering our luck in recent years, but hey.. it's worth a shot, right? It was a good deal, fun to buy a car from our friend Roy, and I love Mazda.. Zoom, zoom, zoom...

While waiting for our paperwork to be filled out at Don Miller Mazda, we took two paper bags and emptied out the Sable: papers, coins, pens and pencils, handheld Yahtzee and Sudoku games, Starbucks napkins, cassettes, etc.. Sad... Ok, not that sad, but very nostalgic, to be emptying out the car that has carted us around the country and cities for almost 9 years now. Weird. However, the best find in our stash of treasures? In the glove compartment I found this scrap of paper, in Lori Little's (went to our former church in NJ) handwriting....the paper Lori first gave to me when she told me she was soon going to be my best friend, because she knew someone who knew someone whose dog had just had 13 puppies: Golden Retriever and Black Lab mix...and with that piece of paper we began our life with Abby! As Jim said, when I showed him the find, "That was the best trip we ever took in this car." How true. Abby, you're one of the best things that's happened to us...

Packers Fan? Eeeeesh...

2006-07-31T09:02:00.000-05:00

I don't want to root for the Green Bay Packers this season. It's not that I'm an avid football fan. But in the past I have cheered for the Minnesota Vikings, out of loyalty to my husband's home state. But this year I might root for the Packers-at least for a few games. Just for Connie.

Connie died Saturday evening, and NFL aside, I'm having a hard time accepting her death. I struggle to agree so quickly with others that this is a good thing-that her earthly pain was such that she is much better now.. she's with God.. she's joined the church triumphant... she's in a better place. Well obviously! of course she's in a better place.. Hopefully most of us are going to that better place eventually. My struggle comes at no surprise to those who know me well: I wish God would make earth a better place for more people, instead of letting it be so dang difficult, then letting them die. I know, I don't need to understand, just trust. God's ways are better than our ways.. I can't see the big picture.... good can come out of Connie's death. I know. I'm still sad. I'm sad because God didn't heal her of her cancer while she was on earth. I'm sad because she had a difficult life, and then she died. And I'm sad because I miss her.

Yesterday I missed her. I thought, for a split second before church, that she was coming up the aisle to give us hugs in the front row as she so often did. And I started to cry, then fought back tears the rest of the service. I miss Connie's enthusiasm, even in her sickness.. I miss her funny phrases, her smile and her fighting spirit as she talked about how much she hated the Cubs... and the Vikings.

Last year Connie knit Vikings colors hats for Jim and me. She told us it was a true labor of love, she hated the Vikings so much.. but she loved us so much she was willing to do it! So this season I think I'll root for the Packers for a few games at least... in memory of Connie.

But all sports aside, I miss her.

Two Weddings and a Memorial

2006-07-26T22:10:00.000-05:00

It's a strange week in pastoral ministry.

Sunday evening we officiated at a small wedding at church. We originally thought it would only be a few people besides the bride, groom, and the bride's two children. It turned out to be much bigger, but loads of fun. The wedding was unique... the groom wore a stark white suit, a Panama-style hat for part of the evening, and red leather shoes. There was no music available (this was supposed to be small..) but at the last moment, the best man's fiancee was asked-by the groom-to pinch hit and sing for the processional, and she did phenomenally well. I love small weddings. Afterwards we were invited to their small party down the street. The bride is from the Ivory Coast, and many of her guests are also. Sitting with them, listening to them speak--both English and French--hearing about life in Africa, and life as an immigrant here in the States..it felt like a homecoming for me. Strange, but true. Strange because I was born in the Congo (Zaire). But I felt at home with those from the Ivory Coast, another African country. I hope to see the bride's friends again sometime. I also enjoyed the opportunity to hang out with another lady from our church.

Last Saturday, Joe died. Joe has been a member of our church for ages, and was quite sick in recent years. Jim visited him numerous times in the past year. I have visited him once or twice. We went to see Joe last Saturday, after receiving a call from his caregivers that he was dying.. and we missed him by 5 minutes. I was so sad. Not that he would have known our presence-he was pretty much catatonic for the past week or so, I understand. But nobody should die alone. Apparently the caregivers were with him when he died, for which I am grateful. Tomorrow we remember Joe in our church memorial service, and I am sure we will laugh much at many stories.. there are many funny stories with Joe. There will also be sadness- at the fact that he suffered so much while on earth here. And yet, because of that, there is also much joy-that Joe is no longer suffering the horrible physical pain he suffered for so long.

On Saturday we will be two of three ministerial participants in another wedding. We're looking forward to this wedding of friends and parishioners. We're honored to be part of the ceremony, and can't wait to have the bride and groom back in town to hang out with again. I have spent several hours this week trying to figure out what to wear--what does a female minister wear to an outdoor wedding where it might be quite hot.... I want to wear something fun but professional, funky but not flashy, colorful but not clashing with the bridal party's colors...I'll probably settle for good old black. Regardless of what I end up wearing to this wedding, I'm looking forward to the celebration of this couple's love for each other and for Christ.

This week has also brought daily trips to Hospice to visit another parishioner dying of cancer. Every day I tear up a little, saddened by the imminent death. This lady is -was-so full of life, even in her sicker days.... that it is painful to see her like this. I keep hoping for a miracle.. for her to sit straight up, open her eyes, and say, "I'm healed!" A few times her husband and Jim and I have talked about the Chicago Cubs, (as bad as they're doing), trying to get a reaction out of her, because she can't stand the Cubs! But so far, no miracle. She will be missed by many, and I have been touched by the amount of people who have stopped by to visit. As one woman said to me, about the dying woman, "She worked her way into everyone's hearts." She sure did...especially this heart.

And so this week is a strange week in pastoral ministry. Bookended with weddings... one to begin the week, one to end the week.. a memorial service tomorrow.. daily visits to a dying woman. Life, and death.. celebration.. and grief.

The Preacher's Wife

2006-07-21T17:30:00.000-05:00

When Jim and I first got engaged, he was an Associate Pastor and I was still in seminary. Someone from his church thought it'd be funny to send me a scarf--a nice, wool scarf--with the embroidered words, "The Preacher's Wife", from that Whitney Houston movie. So I got this nice package in the mail, and was not very amused. I understand her humor, but it hit a sensitve spot at the time. I laughed, of course, and told the woman thank you, of course.. but inside, I was annoyed. Somehow I knew this was the beginning of many misunderstandings.

Now, more than nine years later, the misunderstandings continue. In the past week, I have been referred to as "the pastor's wife" three times. It's not that people who say this are trying to demean me or my job..in some cases they honestly don't understand that I am a pastor. But sometimes they just don't seem to think, either. One person, from another church, once asked me "Did you preach today, Cathy?" I said, "Yes." Someone next to her looked surprised, and the first lady turned to the second and whispered, as I was walking out of the room.. "That's the pastor's wife".

I preached that day, I continue to preach, I have a degree, the same degree as my husband, who happens to also be a pastor!!! I don't know what it's going to take to change this inconsistent-pastoral-language-issue. I suppose more patience and time. Occasionally I respond by inserting the words "Pastor Cathy" in another sentence during the conversation... but it rarely changes things. I'm not sure how to change things... I don't want to seem militant.. I certainly don't need adults to call me "Pastor Cathy".. But if they call Jim "Pastor Jim", then I do need them to refer to me in the same way. Except replacing the name "Jim" with the name "Cathy", of course.

Many years ago an elderly lady said to me, "honey, you look too young to be a pastor's wife." I told her to not refer to me as a pastor's wife unless she referred to Jim as a pastor's husband." She laughed, apologized, and began calling me "Pastor Cathy" from then on. But I can't always be that blunt with everybody. And that's ok. I just have to deal with it sometimes. "It" being the inconsistent treatment -intentional or otherwise-of female and male ministers. I can chalk it up to not quite understanding, maybe tradition and habit.. I don't know. But sometimes it's just annoying. This is one of those times.

By the way, about five or so years into our marriage, when I was having a particularly bad day with the inconsistent-pastoral-language-issue, I went out and bought a seam ripper. I came home, found the infamous scarf with "The Preacher's Wife" on it, and I ripped out the apostrophe, the W, i, f, e.. so now it reads, "The Preacher s". Neither one of us has worn it. Maybe one of us will use it this winter. Or maybe it will end up in a garage sale for some other clergy couple.

Brat City

2006-07-18T23:06:00.000-05:00

(For non-Wisconsin-ites: That would be pronounced more like "brought" , than "brat" like a snobby kid... )

I'd never been to Sheboygan, WI, a.k.a. "Brat City" before today. I like it! I like it a lot! Lots of cool houses, a nice lake, good food.. Our District Clergy (Southern WI, Green Bay, and Libertyville, IL) met today in Sheboygan (See the "Steve, in Brat City" link for a picture of us today..). I really think we have one of the greatest districts. And not just because Steve and Kathy Pedersen fed us incredible brats and excellent strawberry cake. But also because this district prays for each other, because we love being together, and because we're just such fun to be around. Today we said goodbye to Cliff, whom we just recently met.. but we wish him well. And we got to see other clergy we had not seen in awhile. It's a good thing, this district, this body of Christ meeting for fun, fellowship, and prayer. I'm thankful for such a group.

Reminders

2006-07-16T21:20:00.000-05:00

I was reminded this morning that I had not updated my blog, to report in on my "one-on-one". I was so nervous about my "one-on-one", but I survived.. Not only did I survive, it was helpful, affirming, and boosted my confidence in my preaching. Scott gave me some things to work on-which I agreed with, so that's good. Overall, the Preachers' Oasis renewed and refreshed me. Thanks to the Center for Excellence in Preaching for putting on an excellent Oasis, and gathering 14 preachers together to learn, laugh, and be challeneged.

On the way home I stopped in Chicago to see Jen D. I drove up Lake Shore Drive, then up Foster..even though I was in traffic, I loved it, because it reminded me of seminary days.. I met Jen at the Library (a good reminder that the Covenant also has cool buildings, not just Calvin), where she was working hard at Greek. We went for ice-cream, and sat talking in the air-conditioned ice-cream shop. Fun. It was good to be with Jen...

2006 has been a firefly summer...astounding. Driving in Wisconsin Friday night, the fireflies almost sent me off the road, because I kept looking at the cornfields all lit up. Beautiful. It reminded me of the night in Canada when I was driving youth home from a retreat, and I saw the Northern Lights and almost went off the road. And it reminded me of God's incredible creation.

I listened to a book on CD that wasn't that good, and finally, when I realized that I was no longer listening, I ejected it, and put in my "Lost and Found" CD. Lost and Found is always good for my soul. Their lyrics and music are a good reminder to keep trusting in God even when I don't want to.

I'm writing an article about infertility. It's hard. It's difficult to be concise about four plus years of pain, heartache, grieving.. and at the same time affirm hope in adoption. The pain is always there, if not on top of the surface, then right underneath. Fortunately I've also been reading Dawn and Andrew's blog, about their recent trip to China to pick up their daughter, and their return home. Reminders of what is hopefully to come.

This whole week has been one big reminder: a reminder that I belong to God... a reminder of parts of Cathy I had put aside... reminders that God loves, calls and challenges me, a reminder that I actually like the preaching task...and a reminder that I do enjoy life.

LOL

2006-07-12T23:08:00.000-05:00

In IM/chatting lingo, "LOL" stands for "laugh out loud". This week, that is one thing I have done often. It has been good for the soul and the body. We have laughed during lectures, during breakfast, conversations around random groupings, at dinners, in car trips.. it's great. Laugh out Loud, Lots of Laughter.. whatever you call it, this week's laughter has nourished me. Who would think that 14 preachers at a Preachers' workshop would enjoy themselves this much? I expected some, but this has truly been good for me... so far... tomorrow's D-Day. But for now, I'm enjoying the laughter, the learning, and the community.

I love this place

2006-07-11T22:20:00.000-05:00

Don't worry, I'm not a convert.. I still love the Covenant. But this place is great-the campus, the people.. Today a Presbyterian minister from Canada gave me the tour. She has been down here several times for workshops, etc. and she and her colleague have just published an Alban Institute book.. Anyhow, she gave me the library tour, the center I've already forgotten the Dutch name for, which contains all things John Calvin, the Seminary.. the Christian Ministry Resource Center, the Institute for Christian Worship... it's quite remarkable. The library has more current periodicals than I knew existed. Honestly. It left me speechless, which is pretty impressive.

The Center for Excellence in Preaching, which is hosting this "Preacher's Oasis", has been in existence for one year now. Scott Hoezee (pronounced "Jose") is the Director. Scott and his colleagues, Mary Hulst and Randy Bytwerk, are instructing us in the mornings.They are engaging, interesting, helpful, fun, humorous and challenging. And I wish we could hear from them more. Our group is quite talktative! That said, the group tangents were also helpful, but I would have loved to hear Randy more this morning.

Much of today's conversation centered around ideas for sermons. Not actual ideas, but thinking of and developing them. We also discussed the conflicting views on Power Point and other such media (only use it if it helps make a sermon stronger, is the general opinion here..). Interesting for me to think about while Arbor is still hoping to buy a screen/projector. I look forward to that time, but today's discussion reminded me of the necessity to do it right. It's also a bit refreshing... much talk in the past two days has been both affirming and challenging.

Thursday is my "one-on-one" with Scott Hoezee... I admit I'm nervous. This one-on-one includes viewing my two videotaped sermons (eeeck!), and reviewing comments on congregational evaluations. Fortunately I'm still able to enjoy these days while waiting for the scariest part of this workshop.

So, two more days...

Women Preachers

2006-07-10T16:12:00.000-05:00

This morning I went upstairs for coffee, shortly after 6:30. As I was pouring my coffee, a young college-age guy sat nearby, fixing a button on his outfit. He obviously worked in the Breakfast Room for Prince CC. Here's the conversation we had.

YG (young guy): Are you here for some big meeting or something?

C: Well, I’m here for a workshop.

YG: Oh yeah? What workshop?

C: The Preacher’s Oasis.

YG: Are you a preacher?

C: I am.

YG: Get out of here!

C: Yep, I’m a preacher.

YG: Wow. So were you at the synod meeting?

C: No, I’m from the Evangelical Covenant Church. I drove in from Madison, WI last night.

YG: Oh. So what does the EV Free think of women preachers?

C: Well, I’m not EV Free. I’m Evangelical Covenant. And the Covenant has been ordaining women for 30 years.

YG: 30 years? No way.

C: Yes, 30 Years.

YG: Wow. Well in the Synod it was a big deal this year. …The '95 decision was being revisited, no agreement could be made. Older guard feels real strongly that women shouldn’t preach… etc.. finally they came to some decision to take a hiatus from the discussion for 7 years. They did remove the word "man" from something, but they also decided that women could not be elected to the Synod.

C: What? Wow!

YG: Yeah, it was all pretty exciting. History in the making..

C: Exciting? How do the women feel about this?

YG: Well, they should be happy… there was some good ground made for them.

C: Hmmm... I doubt they feel very excited.

YG: Well, except for waiting for seven years, they should feel good about the ground made for them. But it was pretty exciting. I’m not even sure how I feel about the whole issue.

Interesting. I offered to talk or listen to him this week, if he wants to discuss the issue at all. If he's not on a 7-year hiatus, that is.

This conversation made me appreciate the Covenant. Granted, I can write this because I have a job as a senior-co-pastor in a good church. My stories of people opposing my calling are not extremely painful. Granted, there are moments when there is pain. There are ways people approach Jim and me differently, even in the most progressive communities. Still, I have been fortunate, and appreciate my denomination. Others may not feel the same way, as they still seek calls within the denomination they want to call "home", or as they continue to climb uphill everyday when they go to work. One friend of mine has left the Covenant for one that offered her a job, and has numerous women clergy.

We have far to go, I still believe. And yet, I am still thankful. Thankful for the women who went ahead of me and my colleagues. The women who fought the hard battles early on when it wasn't the "in" thing to do. The women who followed their callings.. and the ones who continue to move forward. And I am thankful for the men who can't believe this even has to be an issue because it is so obvious-and Biblical-that women and men are both gifted for ministry.

Thank you, to those who continue to plough ahead. And thank you to those of churches or denominations where the progress is slow or backwards... Thank you for following your calls anyhow, and hang in there.

Progress?

2006-07-09T22:23:00.000-05:00

At least today. After yesterday's post where I mentioned tearing up in church songs, I found today's service kind of funny for me in that respect- no tears! I loved it. Finally. Let's hope this progress lasts.

More progress... the Cubs won! three games in a row! Unbelievable. Yeah, Cubs!

I'm in Grand Rapids, at the Prince Conference Center (Calvin College/Seminary), all checked into my room. This evening's drive from Chicagoland into Michigan was gorgeous. Evening sky with pink bursts of sunshine backed by purples and blues... and later a brilliant orange moon. Kris, if you're reading this, I waved to your exit, and thought of you as I passed by.

Tomorrow I begin the Preaching workshop, called "Preacher's Oasis". Hopefully it will live up to its name. In the meantime, as much as I already miss home, I'm happy to be here.

No profound thoughts, only random ones..

2006-07-08T20:15:00.000-05:00

I've tried to write blog posts for the past week, and each draft I write is less than satisfactory. So I'm scratching them all and writing this one.. here's a summary of my life/thoughts this past week...

The bunnies are gone. We're hoping that's a good thing. Jo Ann took these photos of me trying to keep the bunnies in their nest.. The black rectangular bucket deal is a cover Jim put (on garden stakes) over the nest, so the rain wouldn't drown the babies.. as happened to us once in NJ. So, I tried to keep the babies in their nest, and it worked. They fell asleep while I held my hands over the nest. Either that or they pretended to sleep until I left. Regardless, they were gone the next morning, and I'm hoping they are safe somewhere else. I was laughing so hard, while lying on the ground, holding my hands over the bunny nest, realizing how ridiculous this whole saga is. What can I say..? I love animals, and I love babies.

Speaking of babies, it's been a hard week on that front. Some nieces and nephews (from two families) were getting together this past week, and I am frankly jealous that I don't have a kid their age to play with them at this stage. My birthday came and went, and I don't like the fact that I'm 36. Age never used to bother me, until we were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. And until my body began to feel like it's much older than 30's, thanks to my friend Fibro. I've spent a lot of time this week mourning the loss of our 19 embryos last year, and again, the loss of some dreams.. and wondering if we will ever get a Chinese daughter. I have to admit, I'm a little fearful that since we're in the process, China will stop adoptions all together. Adoption agencies are not predicting this..I repeat, adoption agencies are not predicting this! I only know our luck, and cannot believe it will actually happen for us.

Which leads to more thoughts of the week... I miss the days of simple faith. I miss the days when I could actually trust, simply trust, that God would work things out before the end. People often say "things will all work out in the end".. well, yeah! I know who wins in the end.. But I want things to work out before the end, and I'm just not sure they're going to. So I'm missing my days of simple faith. I miss the days when I bounced back quickly from disappointment and pain and rough times.. I miss the days when most church hymns and songs didn't make me tear up, and not in joyful ways... I miss the days when I was the positive one, viewing "life's-not-going-as-planned" events as God things... good God things.., not the feeling that God's playing cosmic jokes on us. So, that's that..

Jo Ann came up last weekend, and we were busy, but had fun. We hung out at Barriques, twice.. we went to fireworks, twice.. the first time got cancelled. We hung out with Sho and Wich (our international students) and Jim. We cooked and baked! Shocking, I know, but becoming less shocking with each meal I cook. Last weekend it was Swiss Chard Pie (in other words, quiche)...strawberry shortcake...Thai Basil Chicken... mmm mmm good. (Tonight I made Swiss Chard Polenta.) And we went to see "Harry Potter" at the outdoor cinema overlooking Lake Mendota, but.. too crowded, and too small a screen. So we just walked around Memorial Union instead, then returned home.

Last night we saw our new neighbor friend. New, as in new friend, not new neighbor.. Ages ago, she and I agreed that we should take walks together. So hopefully soon we'll do that. I love getting to know our neighbors. Absolutely love it. And I miss some old neighbors in New Jersey..

Tomorrow I leave for Calvin Seminary for the week, for my Preacher's Workshop. I'm nervous, excited, panicking, and fine all at once. And not completely packed yet. Almost packed, which is also shocking. But I'm thrilled by the looks of the conference center I'll be staying at, so if the Preacher's Workshop is as frightening as I sometimes imagine it being, I'll at least have a nice place to go freak out in!

Life and Death in the Backyard

2006-07-01T11:22:00.000-05:00

It's been a hard two days for our backyard bunnies. And for this lover of animals. Abby somehow got out of the house yesterday afternoon and headed straight for the bunny nest. I heard her barking, came out to see, and she was standing over a dying bunny, waiting for it to play with her. Sad, so sad. Five bunnies left. I put Abby back in the house, checked on the nest, and found only three left. Two had gone missing, and it wasn't long enough for Abby to eat them. We had some visitors and for 10 minutes we wandered the yard, searching. Finally, both were found and returned to their nest, and our dog was kept on a short leash for the rest of the night.

This morning after returning from the Farmer's Market, we saw our neighbor. She had just found one of the bunnies. I went to the nest and counted... no, there were still five there. So, either this one raised from the dead, or there's another nest in the neighborhood. The neighbor and I finally caught this little tiny one, and decided to return it to our nest, since we didn't know where else it should go, but figured it needed care. I know, it's nature, we should let nature take its course, but at what point do we help out, and at what point are we hindering? I wish I knew so I could act accordingly.

Slightly satisfied that we had a full bunny nest, and that all the little guys were going to receive care, we came inside. You'd think we'd learn, but somehow we left the door open again, Abby got out... I heard squeaking and ran outside to find two dying bunnies this time.. Abby looking at both of them as if they should be playing with her. Again. Down to four.. Ugh. I went to the nest, but ooopss... only one remained! Three had escaped... I found one, and returned it to the nest, but it kept jumping out.. understandably. I wouldn't trust that location anymore either!

After letting it be on its own in my flowers for a few minutes, I decided to pick it up and hold it.. as I was, the other one hopped out of its nest, too... so I sat there, for more than 30 minutes, holding two bunnies, wishing I knew what to do. Again, was I helping or hindering? They both nestled into my arms and hands, sleeping, and I didn't want to disrupt them, but also wanted to return them to the place their mother could find them. What to do?

Then our Japanese student came out and spotted the two missing ones against the side of the garage. He brought them over to me, and now I was sitting in the grass holding four baby bunnies.

I asked Jim to go do some internet research.. we already knew, from our bunny adventures in New Jersey, that mother rabbits do return to their young even if touched by humans. But now with all this trauma? and so many gone? Jim reported that bunnies should be returned to their nest.. that the mother only comes by at night and in the morning briefly.. so even if it appears that she has abandoned them, she probably hasn't.

That's a relief.

So for now, we are back up to four baby bunnies, sleeping in their nest...
one golden retriever, no longer allowed to play in her own backyard...
two remorseful humans who accidentally let their dog out...
and hopefully one adult rabbit, planning on returning to her nest tonight.

Change

2006-06-30T16:45:00.000-05:00

I've changed my blog template. I liked the other one, except for how the pictures were framed-or, rather, were not framed. So I'm going to try this one for awhile, and see how I like it.

On another note, today is Jim's birthday, and I just made him a cake-from scratch. It's rare enough for me to even make a cake, but from scratch? Whew.. almost too much to take in.

Good things

2006-06-29T22:57:00.000-05:00

I pulled my sweatshirt string out of its lost position in the hood.

I finally got my pictures to work at Walgreens.

Woodmans has great quality prints, for those who are interested, and able to wait more than an hour.

We had neighbors over for dinner last night.. we saw their pictures of their travels, and enjoyed getting to know new friends.

Julio and Isa, from Santa Apolonia, called.

I slept well. The temperature was perfect. I love it when that happens.

I got my hair cut. We'll actually see tomorrow if that's a good thing, but I'm writing it down in good faith.

Jim and I got a care package off to my little sister who'll be at a camp next week.

This afternoon we went to a movie with a few youth and the youth director.

I got movie popcorn. I love it when that happens, too.

We picked up our CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) this afternoon, and got swiss chard. Not sure why I'm excited about that, but I am.

Abby discovered a bunny nest in our backyard-right in the middle, to be exact-with six baby bunnies. Really teeny.. some don't have their eyes opened yet!

Three young adults came over tonight, two with their dog.

The other dog was trying to catch fireflies.

At the end of the night, three of us went in the hot tub.

After young adults left, we were sitting around the dining room table, laughing with our live-in students.

A friend is hopefully coming up this weekend.

Thank you, God, for these good things.

One of those days.. and I'm just going to complain.

2006-06-27T22:11:00.000-05:00

Actually, it wasn't so horrible. The worst part is that I wasted so much time. My intentions were good.. Starting around 3 pm, I began my project to compare online photo labs: Woodmans, Walgreens, Walmart, Target... My favorite so far has been Walgreens, but I heard a rumor that other places are now cheaper, so thought I'd do a little experiment. My experiment ended up taking me until 9:00 pm... and no comparisons yet. (Granted, while photos were uploading I was working on other things around the house, since we have company coming for dinner tomorrow..) Between the 9 photos I chose taking forEVER to upload onto the Walgreens competitors' websites, and my computer giving me some photo issues.. I was very frustrated.

I gave up on Walmart, I placed an order with Target, I placed an order with Woodmans (which took an hour to place!).. I went to pick up my Target pix, they were great.. I went to pick up Woodmans pix... oops.. they had closed 7 minutes before I got there. The lady was sympathetic to my exasperated face, and offered to look anyhow. Then she asked, "when did you send them in?" I said, "a couple of hours ago." "Oh", she said.. "it takes a couple of days." A couple of days!!! What kind of modern day photo lab takes a couple of days? We'll find out what kind in a couple of days when I return to pick up my photos. Maybe they'll be good, maybe not. Regardless, I probably won't use them again, because I'm an impatient photo client. (But I like Woodmans as a grocery store!)

In the meantime, I've been trying to print photos to put in albums to send to the Ordonez family and also to Pasquala, the potter. I placed my trusty Walgreens order last night--60-something photos, which included some doubles, one for Ordonez', one for Pasquala, etc... This afternoon I went to pick them up in the midst of photo uploading exasperation... only to find out that every single one of my photos was horrible! The print quality was horrendous. So much for Walgreens being trusty. Ugh. I returned... they asked me to send the order again. I did. They called, and said it was still bad. I went in with my CD's, and showed them that in reality, the photos I submitted for printing, are quite good quality. The guy agreed. He's puzzled. I'm puzzled.. the CD's show something different than their computer.. so.. tomorrow I return to try a different tactic: printing them from their machine directly instead of from an online order.

Ugh. Have I mentioned how exasperating this day has been? It's nothing, I know, compared to poverty, homelessness, heart disease, not having food for tomorrow, etc.. I shouldn't even complain. Heck, it's nothing compared with what I have been through in life.. infertility, fibromyalgia, adoption blues, etc... maybe it's just nice for me to be frustrated about something simple for a change, instead of the big issues of life. I don't know. Regardless, I'm frustrated and exasperated.

Then, to make matters worse... my new Covenant Point sweatshirt which I still haven't worn, has stains on it that won't come out. (If you click on the photo, enlarging it, you'll see the white spots on my CPBC sweatshirt...and spots are more visible in reality than in photo. Any suggestions?) I've tried two different stain removal products... so far no success. So as I threw it in the dryer tonight, giving up on stain removal.. I noticed.. the hood string is lost in the hood. So sometime I get to work on that project. But not tonight. Now, I'm going to bed, before I touch anything else and it goes wrong today! And before I continue complaining about such petty things.

p.s... I didn't get to bed soon enough. Abby, our dog, just peed on her bed... and, Amazon.com just emailed to tell me that the order I placed earlier this evening (software for church) cannot be processed, due to incorrect payment info. Sigh.

God is like a Canopy Tour... Tikal, Day 2, Part 2... June 8th

2006-06-26T11:43:00.000-05:00

After our "Sunrise Hike", we returned to the hotel, and ate a great breakfast served by a friendly waiter, Joel. Then we had just enough time to prepare for our Canopy Tour!! For those who don’t know, (which included me until that day), a canopy tour, at least in Tikal, involves ziplines, eight of them in our case, over the jungle treetops.

Our guide, Alberto, was wonderful. A young whippersnapper, the oldest of 9 kids who seemed to know the jungle well. Turns out he lives in the jungle. Not sure what his house is like, but he lives about 2 miles from the Canopy Tour office, which is located at the entrance to Tikal Park. Alberto gave us the option of two canopy tours… a slower, lower one.. 9 ziplines.. and a faster, higher tour, 8 ziplines.. Of course we chose fast and high! Alberto was hysterical. His friend, the other guide, Hector, (though Alberto told us his name was “The Puma”!), wasn’t quite as talkative, but friendly and comfortable enough with the ziplines, that both made me feel safe and comfortable.
At one point, Alberto took my camera, and hung from the zipline several feet away from us so he could take our picture. Another time he was going down the zipline and turned upside down.. fun.

Viewing the jungle from the treetops provides a unique and fantastic experience. As our tour’s website quotes, “The two canopys extends among trees of more than 300 years, in a millennial forest that is part of the Mayan Biosphere. Here you will forget the fatigue, the depression, the hardships or any other feeling when flying among the branches, like Tarzan's style.”
(broken English is exact, as on website) It’s true.. you forget the fact that you’re dripping with sweat, smelling as though you didn’t shower in two weeks, and you forget that life has loads of problems.. you zip through the forest among ancient trees, listening to tropical birds and seeing the occasional monkey.. it’s pretty easy to forget about your worries… it’s pretty easy to slip into vacation mentality and think that you could zip through the treetops forever. Ok, not forever, but at least for another two hours.

Maybe there should be a t-shirt made that says, “God is like a canopy tour… you forget about your worries.” At least that’s the idea… when we’re trusting in God, it should be pretty easy to forget about our worries, to give them all to God, to go with the flow and zip through life taking it as it comes. Again, that’s the idea.

After our hour of fun in the jungle treetops, with Alberto and Hector, Alberto drove us back to our lodge. Tikal Park is strict with all drivers about speed limits in the park. So strict that they stamp one’s ticket at the entrance, then again after 20 minutes of driving, when one actually arrives at the point where the lodges and restaurants are… They expect it to take at least 20 minutes of driving to get from Point A to Point B. If it’s shorter, the driver is fined. I appreciate this care and concern for the jungle, the wildlife, and the desire to preserve the park as it is.

We loved Tikal. I would go back in a heartbeat, of course.. this time with more clothes to change into three times a day, with a better flashlight, and more time. When we returned to the Jungle Lodge, we went swimming in the pool.. watched a few monkeys in the trees, returned to the room to shower and check out, and eat lunch.

That evening, after arriving back in Guatemala City, we stayed with Jo Ann’s friends Libby and Dan, Covenanters who had lived in Guate for three years. Libby and Dan were gracious to let us stay with them when they were about to move back to the States within weeks! It was interesting to hear the perspectives of Americans who had lived down there for awhile, (especially their perspectives on Guatemalan adoptions) meet new friends, and enjoy their two kids.

I was sad, leaving Guatemala. I miss it.. It’s still in my mind daily, and I find myself still scheming for how to return. I’ve loved everyplace I’ve ever been to and lived in.. I seem to fall in love with places quickly.. and yet, there’s something about Guatemala.. But for now, I am back in reality.. back in the daily mode of life in Madison, which I also deeply love. I am back in the daily struggle to trust God, like being on a Canopy Tour… giving my issues and concerns to God, and going with the flow, enjoying everyday as it comes. At least that's the idea.

p.s. one note about the photos... it appears, from the pictures, that we are only about 5 feet above the ground. Appearances are sometimes deceiving, and this is one of those times!! I promise! We were much much higher.. and, the pictures of Jim and Cathy are Jo Ann's photography.. thanks, Jo Ann!

Tikal, Day 2, Part 1...Thursday, June 8th

2006-06-16T22:39:00.000-05:00

Early mornings seemed to be a theme for us in Guatemala. After a bad night’s sleep in our fairly nice, though extremely hot, accommodations at the Jungle Lodge, we got up around 4 am to go on a sunrise hike… We had paid a guide (Cesar) the day before, to take us through the jungle in the dark, guide us up Temple IV (or point out the stairway in the darkness) so we could view the sun rise over the temples in a distance. Fortunately, we were warned that we’d be lucky to see the sunrise. She was right. No sunrise. But back to the hike… About 19 college kids were on the same hike.. oh well. We hiked in total darkness except for flashlights. Sweat and bugspray dripped down our bodies, as it had the day before. At least there was no sunscreen this time.

We hiked quickly, and finally made it to the base of the 64 meter Temple IV, and then, the steps.. Wow. The steps were hard enough on Wednesday, but walking quickly through the jungle in the dark, feeling out of breath… it was about all the workout my 5:00 am body could take. Up we went. Climbing higher and higher on the wooden, sometimes-lopsided steps, until we made it to the top. We slowly made our way to the base of the stone steps—part of the pyramid—then felt our way to the top of those.. where we sat and waited. Waited for college kids to be quiet, waited for the sun to rise, and waited for the jungle to wake up. Most of the college kids quieted down, we never saw the sun rise but we certainly saw it get light, and the jungle did wake up. A bird here, a different bird call there… a toucan, other tropical wild birds whose names I cannot remember… one that Cesar pointed out right before 6 am, as it still sat in its nest inside the temple wall. This bird, he said, leaves its nest at 6 every morning on the dot. Sure enough… the bird flew out of its nest around 6… beautiful. It didn’t even seem to mind Cesar’s flashlight beam showing it off. We continued to listen for birds, for rain falling in the jungle, and to the howler monkeys in the distance. There weren’t as many howling monkeys as we had hoped for, but enough to get the feeling. We had heard many the day before, too. And lots of movement in tree tops… pretty cool. It’s not everyday that one gets to sit atop a temple built in the 700’s, and listen to the jungle wake up. I’d do it again in a heartbeat, now that my legs are rested!

Around 6:45 or so, we headed back down the temple, down the wooden steps, and towards the Grand Plaza, the plaza where several of the temples and ruins sit together. There we explored on our own, without guides, without other tourists… just us, a couple of guards sitting around a tree, the multitude of birds in trees and in the air. There we walked, surrounded by Mayan history. Incredible.The mist prevented a clear view of everything, but also gave a little cool mystique to the morning.

Tikal, Day 1

2006-06-14T08:35:00.000-05:00

Tikal. I'd heard about it for years, but had little interest until last year when our friend Jen went there and brought back pictures. Then after seeing the smaller Mayan ruins at Iximche, my interest grew. Old is not even the word for the ruins at Tikal. Ancient is more like it. Incredible. Massive. Strong and powerful. Tikal is called, by our Rough Guide Guatemala book, "possibly the most magnificent of all Maya sites." The site was discovered in 1848. The Mayan civilization dates from 800 BC until 900 AD (wow) and we are told that Tikal's impressive architecture took more than 1000 years to build..

We arrived in Tikal on Wednesday, June 7th, by shuttle, after a short propeller plane ride from Guatemala City to Flores, an hour from the park. Our guide, Carlos, met us at the airport. We had signed up and pre-paid for a tour package, which included airflight, shuttle to and from Tikal, a morning guided tour of the park, lunch, overnight lodging in the park itself, and breakfast.. the other meals were on us. We soon learned what the package did not include: a map of Tikal, any free information about Tikal (pamphlets, etc..), water, (except one small bottle in the hotel room), beverages at the free lunch. Thankfully the free breakfast did come with juice and coffee. But not water. Oh well.

At the Jungle Lodge, we dropped our bags in the room, piled on the chemicals, and set out for the morning tour. We, along with a retired couple from San Francisco-Mary and David-set out walking despite blazing heat and humidity. Within the first 15 steps we were dripping a fun mixture of sweat, sunscreen, and bugspray. We walked by the crocodile pond where we saw what I think was a crocodile back... and it moved. I'm not kidding.. and we think we may have seen some baby crocodiles. Hard to make out, but it seemed like the real thing. We stepped over leaf-cutter ants our whole time in Tikal. We heard and saw the howler monkeys with their screeching in the trees... and the spider monkeys leaping from tree branch to tree branch. Incredible. I love the monkeys! We were warned about the howlers, and told that we'd be annoyed by their noises. Not at all. We're in the jungle, after all! What does one expect? The howlers to behave for the tourists?

Carlos pointed out the massive ceiba tree, the national tree of Guatemala. I have known this tree as the kaypok, and it brought me back to my Zaire childhood, where we used the cotton-like kaypok as stuffing for making dolls, and other such things. So neat to see it in its grandeur again. It's been a long time since I've seen a kaypok tree. Before too long we made it to the various ruins, and there are all sorts of facts about them which I have now forgotten but can look up at some other time. Suffice it to say the ruins are incredible. The temples, the various monuments, the masks carved in stone, the inscriptions...

Walking on pyramids which have stood since around the 800's... indescribable. Though at the time I was too sweaty and hot to truly reflect on its meaning, afterwards I was awed at what I had done... what we had done.. what many tourists do everyday: climb the wooden stairs built to the sides of the temples, stand as high as we're allowed, and be part of this Mayan world. Temple IV, the hardest one to climb (again, wooden stairs) gives the view that everyone recognizes: the Star Wars scene. Pretty cool.

After lunch, during which we had a blast getting to know Mary and David, Jo Ann and I both took naps, while Jim went to explore the possibilities for afternoon coffee, (and tried to explain in English to Spanish speakers that no, he didn't want to order coffee now, but only wanted to see if they had coffee so that when his wife woke up she could buy some coffee) I slept, despite the wretched heat. Fans are provided in the rooms, but are only on when the generator is on--which is limited, due to the park trying to conserve energy. I appreciate that effort, but wow it's hot! Jim and I went swimming for a bit in the afternoon, and true to the promises we had heard, monkeys jumped through trees within pool view. So cool..

Late afternoon brought the real adventure. The park officially closes around 6:30 or 7, so we had limited time after naps and swimming. We grabbed our cameras, raingear, and purchased map, and head out into the jungle. We decided on the Inscription Temple, which was 20 minutes walk from the entrance. It started to sprinkle, and we kept going. It started to rain, and we kept going, though we talked about the possibility of turning back. I was about to say, "If we hear thunder or see lightening, let's turn back.." but when I heard thunder and saw a flash or two of lightening in the distance, I had no desire to turn back! At this point, it was a challenge.. We booked, walking to the Inscription Temple in probably 15 minutes, and by the time we got there it was really raining. We stood under a thatched roof shelter, took some pictures, readjusted our rain gear and backpacks, and headed back.. faster, this time. I had no umbrella with me, but did have a raincoat-but wow, did I get wet.. wow, did we get wet.. The water soaked through my raincoat, left puddles in my backpack, all of our shoes squeaked with water, but it was fun! At points we ran, jumped puddles, kept shaking our heads about us actually being dumb enough to pull this off. But we did it. We pulled it off... we made it back safely.

We were such the jungle adventurers..! Smelly, perhaps not the smartest, but adventurous nonetheless!

Back to life, back to reality

2006-06-12T08:21:00.000-05:00

I’ll blog about Tikal, Guatemala, later..

But for now, I’m facing reality. It’s Monday, and though that means a day off, I have several work items to take care of today. Normally I’d let them slide until tomorrow, but today I need to contact some people, prep for our camp speaking next week, and just get my head organized for the busy week ahead. Back to reality. I like my reality, really. I like our life, I enjoy church, camp, phone calls, etc. So it’s not so much that reality that hurts, as much as the reality of (a) not being on vacation.. I mean let’s face it. Who wouldn’t want to be on permanent vacation? And (b) infertility.

While it stared me in the face constantly in Guatemala, it somehow stares me in the face more directly back home. In Guatemala, I thought about it all the time. The injustice of all these kids we hear about in orphanages, waiting for Western parents to pay lots of money to adopt them, after they have gone through the grueling process of paperwork that most couples don't have to even think about, when they simply get pregnant. And let's not even talk about the finances of adoption. In Guatemala, many we met were one out of 7, 8, 10 children.. Not that Guatemalans don’t suffer from infertility. I suspect many do. And yet, as much as I thought about infertility in Guatemala, it hits harder back here at home.. the injustice, the reality of what I don’t have, facing pregnant bellies around me. Even on the plane from Houston to Minneapolis, there was a newborn baby in the seat in front of us and a screaming 8-or-so-month old in the seat behind us.

I know God’s in here somewhere. Do I think our struggles with this issue are for some grand reason? No, I really don’t. I think it’s the harsh reality of life. Life is harsh for most people at various times, and we have just had a hard run of things. That's life. I don't think it's God's master plan to make us suffer so we can learn something. With that reasoning.... yeah, I can't even go there. That reasoning just makes me more upset with God and the inequities of how God doles out education. Most of the world struggles, those in Guatemala struggle with poverty, corrupt and violent governments over the years.. making ends meet, illness without adequate health systems, etc.. For Jim and me, infertility has been one of our many struggles. Do I think God can work good in this? Yes, I do. I think that in our pain and daily struggles, God is working, and God will continue to work. But that does not take away the pain of today, yesterday, or tomorrow’s sadness. However, adoption is on the horizon, and I am grateful. I wish I could have brought back three kids from Guatemala, and adopt three from China... but I’m counting on our one Chinese daughter, assuming that doesn't fall through. Someday.. I’m hoping.

In the meantime, today, no daughter. Today, no pregnancy. Today, no due date to anticipate and prepare for and share with everybody. Today no specifics to hope for--except that we will have a girl from China. No known age, or timing... someday, God willing.

So, back to life, back to reality... I've fed my need to vent for a few minutes, and off I go to drink more coffee, and get ready for the week.

Antigua artist

2006-06-11T17:16:00.000-05:00

Though we're now home, I still think about Guatemala all the time...

Volcano disappointment aside, last Tuesday ended up being a relaxing day. Antigua is one of my favorite cities. In the morning we wandered the ruins of the San Jose Cathedral, which has seen its days of falling apart. Walking through the currently existing church, we found ourselves in the back, where the ruins remain, and workers pound, roll wheelbarrows, and clean up, for the tourists, as one worker told me. The cathedral ruins were incredible, massive, opening to the sky, blocks and pieces of old church in corners, behind doors, etc. If these walls, corners, broken arches and steps could talk…. I’d love to hear what they have to say. How many people went there searching for answers, for a sign from God, for an encouragement, to offer a prayer...

After exploring and photographing the ruins, and a less-than-satisfactory lunch, we sat in the Parque Central, to sit and watch. Jim talked with a traveler from New Zealand. A little girl in a school uniform—maybe 8 or 9—came and started talking to Jo Ann. I joined the conversation, and we found out her name is Juana. She had been to school, and seemed to be done for the day, but it sounded as though she had nobody waiting for her at home, and she enjoyed hanging out in the park. We talked with her, I took a picture of her and Jo Ann, and then showed it to her.

Then Juana’s interest in photography began…
‘Take a picture of the trees…. Now the fountain… now the two of us…. Now that tourist… now that girl eating ice-cream.” The beauty of digital cameras is the review button—I showed Juana the pictures I had taken, including the ones she asked me to take, and it inspired her to look for more possible photographs. I have heard of an organization—I think in India?—that puts cameras in the hands of children who otherwise have little opportunity, and I immediately wished there was a program like that in Guatemala for Juana. I’m not sure what she has in life… but her interest in photography was touching. The photo of the “hands” in the post below is Juana’s idea. A little Antigua artist, Juana was.

Meanwhile, two other kids joined us at the bench—Walter and Jenny… Jenny initially asked us to buy jewelry, and we said no, so used to saying no to vendors. But before we left the three kids, I did buy a bracelet, a little remembrance of that day, of that touching hour or so laughing and talking with Guatemalan kids on a park bench in Antigua. My only regret about that time is that I didn’t go over and show Walter and Jenny’s moms the photos, as they watched the entire thing unfold. I waved to them often, they smiled at us, and Jo Ann thanked them, but I wish I had shown them the photos of their beautiful kids.

We left the kids, grateful for the turn in the day’s events, and returned to Lazos Fuertes, our hotel, to get ready for our shuttle taking us to Guatemala City (called “Guate” by the Guatemalans.) That shuttle showed up! After settling into Dos Lunas, our hotel in Guate, we were picked up by Jo Ann’s friends, Libby and Dan, Covenanters living in Guatemala. We went to a nice restaurant where we each had typical Guatemalan food, mmmm…good stuff. Good way to end a good day.

pictures

2006-06-10T12:52:00.000-05:00

kids in Chichicastenango (ChiChi), the famous marketplace

beans in ChiChi, a main staple in Guatemalan diet

Cathy & Jim in Panajachel-volcano in background

Cathy & JoAnn in Panajachel

monkey in Tikal... oh, how I love the monkeys!

Tikal "sunrise"... we're glad photos don't smell, because we were sweating!

Juana, in Antigua..she came up to JoAnn and just started talking, then we all became friends

hands... photo by Cathy, but Juana's idea... "take a picture of our hands!" hands of Juana, Jim, Jo Ann, and Cathy.

"Volcano Recipes" correction

2006-06-10T10:51:00.000-05:00

The post "Volcano Recipes" was supposed to have an introductory paragraph which would have made the title make sense.. but I had some blogging issues while in Guatemala, so here's the basic jist of what I had written but got lost in cyberspace.

While in Santa Apolonia, we were talking with the Ordonez family about climbing Pacaya Volcano. They did not understand how we could climb that volcano, leaving from Antigua.. they tried and tried to figure it out, and kept telling us we must be misinformed.. it wasn't Pacaya we would be climbing, it must be another volcano. We tried to convince them that yes, it was Pacaya, because that was the currently active volcano. No, they said, it must be another. Finally, in a last ditch effort to convince them that we knew what we were talking about, I said to them, "But I have the reciept for the volcano", meaning, of course, that I had the receipt for the hike.. we had already paid. But instead, what I actually said in Spanish, was "I have the recipe for the volcano". They looked at me as though I had said I just came from outer space, then we all started laughing, as we realized what I had said, and we laughed about the idea of having a volcano recipe. But, as it turned out by our no-show-shuttle, a volcano recipe would have been just as useful as a receipt for the volcano hike! And such is life... no-shows happen, and in a trip where anything could have gone wrong at any time, we still count our blessings that really only one big disappointment took place. I still want to hike an active volcano someday, so next time!

Volcano Recipes

2006-06-06T08:01:00.001-05:00

So this morning we were supposed to climb Pacaya Volcano outside of Antigua. We arranged with a shuttle company (which has thus far been quite good to us), we woke up at 5:15 am, to be ready before 6:00 am for their shuttle... it never came. After more than an hour of waiting and trying to call the emergency number-which nobody answered-we finally walked to the company office, but it's not open yet. So, no volcano climbing for us. Sad, but true.. And such is life. It's too late now, because we have to catch another shuttle (same company-we'll stop by the office later and make sure they'll be ready) to Guatemala City for tomorrow's Tikal trip.

But, on our walk, we met two friendly and adorable dogs... one sat next to me while I sipped my hot latte from Cafe Condessa. While waiting this morning I talked with the hotel manager who talked about Guatemala, the president (they like him--he's doing some great things for education in Guatemala), SAfe Passage, the organization which works with street kids in the city, etc..

Yesterday, in Panajachel, we took a boat-a private boat for quite cheap-across Lake Atitlan, to visit three pueblos: Santa Catarina de Palopo, San Antonio de Palopo, and Santiago Atitlan... though the clouds hid the tops of the lake's three volcanoes the whole time, the boat ride was still incredibly beautiful, and our captain, David, was incredibly sweet and nice. Young guy who studies on the weekend, and drives his father's boat during the week. The towns were interesting, though also riddled with people trying to literally push sales into our faces.

In San Antonio, this one lady kept pestering us. It was a bother, but for some odd reason it didn't bother me as much as normal. She had something about her I liked. She asked me my name, I told her, she told me here name is Maria. We talked a bit, and I finally bought this hair piece from her, which I wanted to use for something else anyhow.. She then put it in my hair, and Jim took a picture of us.. I look fantastic! Ha.. So we kept walking around the pueblo for a bit. Later, as we descended the hill heading back to our boat, I heard a voice shouting down, "Caty!" I looked up.. it was Maria... "Si", I said.. "Adios, Caty".... "Adios, Maria!" Then she asked, "Is your mother still alive?" Yes, I answered... "Bueno, greet her for me!"

Ok, Maria. Mom, if you're reading this, Maria from San Antonio de Palopo in Guatemala says "Hi".

Si, pues!

2006-06-04T18:05:00.000-05:00

pictures from Antigua, Guatemala:

in the central parque

from our hotel, "Lazos Fuertes" (from the rooftop)

So, it's been a long few days... good, but long. We've done and seen so much, and I can't possible tell it all here now.. I'll elaborate later. Last night and tonight we're in Panajachel, located on Lake Atitlan.. tomorrow we take a boat across the lake to see three towns.. today we went to Chichicastenango (Chi Chi for short),the famous Mayan market place, church, etc.. But, for the sake of time and quetzales (the Guatemalan currency-we're paying for this internet by the 15-minute interval), here are the highlights..

On Thursday, June 1st, we took a shuttle from Antigua which was heading for Panajachel (Pana), but dropped us off at the entrance to Tecpan, on the Pan-American highway... Julio picked us up and drove us, in his rickety Toyota, to the Ordonez home in Santa Apolonia. Seeing the entire Ordonez family was great for Jim and me... Julio, Isa, Julissa (17), Annelisse (15), and the abuelos, Julio's parents... Other highlights from Thursday: laughing with kids at the School where Isa works, seeing progress at the Belen Church where we helped out last year... church service, incredible Santa Apolonia coffee with an amount of sugar that can pay for dentist vacations, church service that night without too many expectations of us (whew!), singing hymns in Spanish, seeing some church people we met last summer, and eating dinner at 10 p.m.!

The next morning, (Friday, June 2nd) we woke up before 6 to take a "Julio", which is a walk with Julio. Someone on last year's mission trip coined this term. This one was more than 2 hours, and a reverse of last year's first walk... beautiful, informative, fun... we met people along the way, talked to them, asked questions, asked Julio questions about his experience during the recent years of violence in Guatemala. As with last year's time in Santa Apolonia, this was an experience that many tourists never get to have, so we are grateful for it, and for our education in the process. Though the scenery was initially misty and foggy, the mountains and fields and people heading to work and school in traditional and modern day clothes are images I'll never forget.

Friday morning we visited Pasquala, the pottery lady.. Pasquala makes pottery with no wheel. She brings clay from the neighboring mountain, pounds and grinds it, makes her own paints, adds water... and literally turns around while bending over, molding the clay into a pot or some other such thing that she eventually sells.

We spent a good time there, taking photos, talking and laughing. Pasquala's most commonly used phrase is, "Si, pues!" (sorry, I can't figure out this keyboard to make the appropriate Spanish markings...) Si, pues.. basically means, "Uh-huh", or "a-ha"... something like that. An agreement, a sigh, a Pasquala comment... it's used by others, too, but often by Pasquala, and I loved hearing her say it with her inflexions and animation. Pasquala's 80-something year old aunt-Pancha- showed up carrying a load of wood on her head for Pasquala. Pancha also makes pottery still.. hearing the two relatives speaking the Mayan language of Kaqchikel was a treat. Julio speaks and understands a bit of Kaqchikel, so would translate sometimes, but I didn't care.. I just liked listening.

Years ago, Pasquala walked to Tecpan to sell her pottery ... (it took about an hour to walk there) but no longer, since she ran into her husband. They are separated, though not divorced. Apparently when they were together her life was not good, and he continued to take advantage of her financially even when they separated. She is afraid of running into him again, and so no longer sells in Tecpan, only out of her house. But after telling us the story of her husband, she said, matter-of-factly, (in Spanish) "But there's a God."

Si, pues! Yes, Pasquala, there is a God. It's been an incredible journey in Guatemala so far, seeing people like Pasquala who make ends meet barely by working out of her home, and the Ordonez family (Julio and Isa) who are trying to help their girls get good educations, and people along the side of the road who live in literal tin shacks or adobe shacks... God is for them, God is for us... Si, pues!

Pollo Campero, Ruins, Cafe Latte...

2006-05-31T21:28:00.000-05:00

I`m in Guatemala!!! Antigua, Guatemala, to be exact. We arrived last night in Guatemala City, Guatemala`s capital, and met up with Jo Ann at the hotel Dos Lunas. I felt like a backpacker (except that I have a humongous suitcase plus my backpack)because of all the other weary travelers lodging at Dos Lunas. Our hotel hosts were fantastic.. friendly, put us at ease, funny, hospitable, helpful.. loved them. Jo Ann had ordered Pollo Campero, Jim`s favorite Guatemalan restaurant, and we ate cold but good chicken late last night.

Now we`re in Antigua at one of the coolest hotels I`ve ever stayed at--Lazos Fuertes. The room itself isn`t much to speak of, except for the darling swans made of our bath towels waiting for us on our beds... but the rest of the hotel is phenomenal, from gorgeous volcanic views, to rooftop chairs, (free internet), to courtyards with all sorts of plants, awesome wood furniture in the lounges... and.... perhaps best of all, much of the proceeds of this place goes to help kids in Guatemala City, whose families work in garbage dumps. That makes us happy, and we did not even know about it before we got here.

Today after exploring our hotel, we walked throughout Antigua, eating a typical lunch of chicken and pork tamales, and meandering our way through the cobblestoned streets, snapping shots of colorful outfits, brightly painted Antigua walls, fun architecture, mountain and volcano views, and the ruins.

Ruins abound in Antigua, due to lots of violence over the years, and an earthquake or two. I read the history yesterday on the plane, but need to do more research to be exact about it. I was tired while reading Guatemalan history. The ruins are, well, ruins, and great photo ops, as well as fun places to hold a youth lock in, Jim decided! One in particular, Las Capuchinas, had all sorts of nooks and crannies, stairs, doors, etc.. and a beautiful yard where a Guatemalan father with three kids played hide and seek and other outside games. I was hoping to post pictures, but so far haven`t figured that out. Hopefully we will see at least one other ruin tomorrow.

After it started to rain we decided we needed coffee, so walked to the center square, where we had a good latte at El Cafe Condessa, highly recommended. I recommend the latte, not the pie.. Not so great. But hey, what I needed was a latte, so I`m happy.

Tonight we ate dinner at a Western place, but had good soup (tomato and tarragon), homeade bread, and salad... Jim had a healthy granola, yogurt, and fruit.

Tomorrow we take a shuttle to Tecpan, where Julio, from Santa Apolonia will pick us up, literally on the highway, where the shuttle is going to drop us off. It should not be too hard for Julio to find three gringos with their bags, waiting by the highway! Especially this one, with her insanely large bag.... full of things you might just need on such a trip as this.

So, day one in Guatemala has been good. I`m so happy to be back, thrilled to go to Santa Apolonia tomorrow where we were last summer for our mission trip, and cannot wait for a good nights sleep tonight!

Humbled

2006-05-25T16:32:00.000-05:00

This is the second time in a week that I've forgotten an appointment..both of which I was looking forward to. Last week at least it was both Jim and me who forgot. Today it was just me. I completely spaced out. Unbelievable. I guess it's a reminder that I'm doing a bit too much these days, and that I desperately need the vacation that's soon approaching. Of course it could be something totally different, like memory problems actually creeping in. But I'll settle for being overwhelmed. Today's humbling experience of forgetting-my-second-appointment-in-a-week also reminds me that grace abounds. Today's appointment was with a couple, and the guy said to me, "Everybody deserves a little grace sometimes." Thank you! Now I need to be so kind next time I get stood up by someone who's overwhelmed....or losing their memory.

a few of my favorite things...

2006-05-21T17:12:00.000-05:00

my "Nightlight" bracelet ("Nightlight" is the ministry my sister runs in Bangkok, Thailand)...

my new hosta, called "June"...

a latte at Barriques Coffee Trader...

Forgiving....

2006-05-17T20:48:00.000-05:00

I never thought I'd see this day. Several years ago a woman we knew hurt us and many people we know and love. It was an extremely painful and horrible situation with no resolution. (Though resolution and reconciliation was attempted many times.)

The other day I opened my church email, and there was an email from this lady, asking us to forgive her. I was stunned. I had forgiven her in the past-many times. Over and over, I'd told God that I forgave her... over and over, I asked God to help me remember that I forgave her. Over and over Jim and I prayed for her.. but to be perfectly honest, my heart still held some resentment. Everytime I thought about this lady, I wanted to scream, because I felt so betrayed.

So when I saw her email I didn't want to open it. I was afraid of two things: afraid she was just going to say something like, "Hey, how you doing?" and act like nothing ever happened.. and afraid she was going to ask for forgiveness. It was the latter. I started to cry, because though I feared it, I also wanted it. I felt relief. And I started to cry because my heart felt a heaviness that comes when you realize you actually have to do what you preach and recommend to others... you actually have to forgive. It's easy to talk about forgiveness when you don't think a person is ever going to seek it from you! It's a different story when they seek it.

But I did it. I forgave her, and I told her I forgave her, and it feels so much better. Is everything all honky-dory and resolved? No.. but I'm ok with that at this point. I am grateful to God for giving me this opportunity. I'm grateful to this woman for writing and seeking forgiveness. I'm grateful to all the people who have forgiven me many times over for all the mistakes I have made that may have contributed to their pain. And I'm grateful to God for forgiving me time and time again, everyday...

Surviving Mother's Day

2006-05-15T08:19:00.000-05:00

Another Mother's Day gone by. This one was the hardest yet, of the past four Mother's Days. I guess it's because last year's Mother's Day held so much promise that this year I'd actually be celebrating as a mother and not only as a daughter. Last year at this time we were going through In Vitro, and things looked hopeful. And yet here we are, another year gone by, still childless. Though the holiday is now over, the pain of not being a mother is stronger this morning than it was Saturday morning, thanks to yesterday. I wonder if there are any greeting cards that say, "Sorry you're not a mother yet again... maybe next year. Here's to hoping. But don't get your hopes up too much, because you never know what could go wrong in the next 12 months." I wake up today still not a mother, and a holiday doesn't change that, one way or another. What has changed is that this year the diagnosis of "unexplained infertility" is more permanent. And yet, this year our paperwork is in China. So, I should hope. I should know that someday this will happen. And when I think outside my emotions I do hope. But I'm only cautiously hopeful. Yesterday someone said to me, "I'm saying 'Happy Mother's Day' to you in faith." So I have to keep the faith, hard as it is, that someday I won't dread the middle of May so much.

There are many who dread this holiday. Those like me, infertile for years.....my single friends who wish they were married and mothers.... those whose relationships with a mother are either non-existent or strained.... those who have lost children.... those who have lost mothers....

The truth is, I am fortunate to have my mother and other "mothers" in my life.. I am thankful to God for my own biological mother who has continued to love, care for, pray for and influence me. She and my father have taught me from childhood how to love God and God's people. I'm thankful for my grandmother, whose strong spirit and character keeps me laughing and impressed. I'm thankful for my mother-in-law, whose compassion and generosity are an example to those around her. And I'm thankful to the many mother figures in my life who have provided guidance, love, some correction, and lots of patience.

But I'm still wanting, and cautiously hoping for the day when I, too, can celebrate this day as an actual mother. Someday? we'll see.... check back next year.

La Jolla Seals

2006-05-13T14:21:00.000-05:00

Last weekend I was in San Diego for a Board meeting. My friend Heidi came down and met me after my meeting. I hadn't seen Heidi in 7 years, so it was great to reconnect. Makes me realize again how lucky I am to have good friends. Heidi and I laughed, shopped, and drove (ok, Heidi drove, I rode) around San Diego and vicinity. We ate lunch at the Hotel del Coronado--which wasn't as expensive as it sounds. And we had an incredible view. After lunch, we went to La Jolla to see the seals. This one seal, pictured here, cracked us up. Every few minutes or so he'd take one of his fins and flip sand onto his back. No other seal was doing this, but the crowd enjoyed watching him. It was incredibly relaxing to watch these seals, to sit by the ocean, to smell ocean salt, and bask in the sun-even if the weather was still cool. I love San Diego!

Too much, even for me

2006-05-11T22:27:00.000-05:00

Ok, I love snow, but this is ridiculous! It's May 11th. Tonight on our way home from the Overture Center (where we saw "Hubbard Street Dance Company"--excellent!), there was a mixture of snow/rain on the windshield. Crazy. Enough's enough. Enough snow until November, thank you very much!

God's Postal Service

2006-04-27T08:22:00.000-05:00

When we lived in New Jersey, everyone at our church knew how much we love snow. Still do. We made it known that we prayed for snow, despite the constant objections from those who do not like snow. We had our confirmation class pray for snow at the end of each session. They loved it—after all, snow equals snow days. Shortly after we moved to Wisconsin, New Jersey got the snow we had prayed for.. lots of it. I don’t recall the amounts, but it was just what we wanted—except we were in Wisconsin, where we did not get as much! Go figure. A friend from NJ called me one day and asked, “Did you inform God of your change of address?”

I think I need to send God an “I’ve moved” postcard today. As I sit and watch God answer my prayers—in others’ lives—I wonder if He’s a bit confused. I thought God’s postal service might be a bit more reliable than the US postal service.. and in my experience, the latter has certainly messed up, but they’re human beings working the system… God is God!

People tell me… there’s a reason… you’ll look back on this and be thankful…. Everything will work out… I know, I know, I know… it’s probably all true. The jury’s still out, though. Because through the pain of watching my prayers be answered in others’ lives, I forget that God supposedly has a good plan for me. His track record with the infertility and even adoption stuff hasn’t been the best, lately. Meanwhile, others get the answers to prayers I’ve been praying for years… and they don’t even have to wait. It happens immediately and, in some cases, without even asking.

I realize that my life has answers to others’ prayers—my single friends, for instance. And that’s not fair, either. None of us want a perfect life, free from problems. We’re more realistic than that. But when God seems to answer our prayers in others’ lives, we simply aren’t sure what to think. It feels as though God has forgotten us. Especially when it happens again and again.

I know God hasn’t forgotten. In fact, God has blessed me again and again over the past 30-something years… a loving husband and families, incredible friends, my dog, a church, a home… Thank you, God! And I know I’ll be a parent someday. Life’s cruel and painful reality is just hard to deal with some days, and this is one of those days. So in case God has temporarily mixed me up with someone else, I’m going to go write him a few postcards.

I thought I was cool....

2006-04-20T08:44:00.000-05:00

but this title probably reveals how un-cool I am, because I doubt "cool" is even a cool word anymore!

Last week I chatted online with my niece (almost 16 yrs old) in Thailand for the first time. I was so impressed--with chatting, with my niece, with myself. I thought, late as I was, I had finally moved into this day and age.. I have a blog, I've learned to chat. I'm so cool I can hardly stand it.

This morning I talked with my brother-in-law, father to my niece.. I told him I had chatted with my niece the other night, and it was fun. He laughed, and said yeah, she reported at breakfast the next day, that she had chatted with me, then she added, "Obviously Aunt Cathy is new to chatting!" :)

I guess I'm not as cool as I thought I was. But I'm learning. I've asked my niece and 13-yr old nephew to help me with the chatting lingo.. we'll see what happens. They're patient, to say the least!

I'm still impressed with this day and age where I can chat--as new as I am to it--with my nieces and nephews in Thailand, where I can learn more about their lives than before last week when I depended on their very busy parents to fill me in... I'm loving it, even if I have a lot to learn.

Now it's time to return to something my nieces and nephews would probably not find cool--writing a sermon.

Praying for Easter

2006-04-17T14:59:00.000-05:00

It's Easter Monday, and I'm praying for Easter. A friend said something to that effect the other day-that he's still praying for Easter-so I give him credit for that phrase. Or maybe he said "waiting for Easter", I can't remember. But I've been thinking about it since then. I've been praying for Easter for years, now. Three years ago at the beginning of Lent, a different friend said to me, "You are in your own long season of Lent, aren't you?" That was after one year of trying to get pregnant, shortly before the official diagnosis of "infertility", and in the middle of a difficult work situation. I thought it was the longest season of my life, and would surely be over soon. I thought both the difficult work situation and the infertility would eventually be resolved. Work was, infertility wasn't. Here I am, three years later, still in this long Lenten season that has certainly lasted more than 40 days. Good thing I didn't give anything up for this season!

Yesterday I preached about Easter, the resurrection of Christ. I talked about how we need to live the resurrection everyday. I try to do that-not just because I preached it, but because I believe it. I believe that the resurrection of Jesus Christ makes a difference in my life. I believe that even on my worst days, I can still have hope, because of Jesus Christ. Which means that even though Jim and I didn't get a baby miracle-and probably never will-and even though adoption is taking longer than we'd like, I still have hope. At least that's what I know I should believe.

But it's hard to hope anymore. It's hard to believe that this long season will ever end. Watching others get the results we've been praying for, it's tempting to stop praying. It's tempting to not hope, because hope deferred makes the heart sick. I think that's in Isaiah somewhere. I know I'm supposed to stay content, positive, and faithful. I have so much to be thankful for in my life, and I am so grateful, really. I know that in comparison to some people, my life is golden, and I'm receiving the prayer results that somebody else so desperately wants.

So, hard as it is, I still hope. Hope for what? I hope that this Lenten season is almost over. I hope that I can recognize Easter moments in everyday.. and I hope and pray that someday it will be our turn to announce our own personal good news.

Accepting Limitations

2006-04-12T10:09:00.000-05:00

Both yesterday and today, I woke up painfully aware of my limitations--physical limitations, at least. I'm sure I have many more I'm not even aware of. My fibromyalgia, diagnosed in 1998, has treated me fairly well over the years with occasional flare ups--I am grateful that, compared with many I know, my flare-ups have been limited. But in recent months it (fibro) has been less generous. These past two mornings have been no exception. Waking up, I have immediately realized, "I can't do a lot today.." and automatically begin adjusting my To-Do list in my head. What can I cross off before I even think I'll attempt it, what can I put off until a day when I feel better.. what do I absolutely have to accomplish, regardless of how I feel? And so I adjust the list, I try to get done what I have to get done, and I try and let go of the rest, guilt included.

In 2 Corinthians, chapter 12, Paul talks about weakness, and the famous "thorn in the flesh". This thorn, identity unknown, was something Paul wished would disappear. He "appealed to the Lord about it.." but the response he got was: "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness." (12:9) Paul was gracious about his weaknesses, content to be weak for the sake of Christ, because then he was strong. (12:10) Thanks, Paul, for setting up such a high example!

I'm not always so gracious. I suppose on my better days, I don't resent the pain, I can see God at work, I accept the limitations. But then there are days like today, when I'm just not gracious about it.. I wake up wishing I had the energy of "normal" 35 year olds. I wake up wishing I could get at least an average amount of stuff done, without needing to rest in between tasks. I wake up wishing God would take away this thorn in my life. I wish Paul wouldn't have been so gracious about his "thorn", so I wouldn't feel so guilty about not accepting mine.

But so far, this thorn--fibromyalgia--is here to stay. So, today, feeling gracious or otherwise, I have to accept the limitations I have, and go forward with the day. I'll accomplish what must get done, and as for the rest, I'll pray that tomorrow I feel better.. If I don't? Well, God's grace should be sufficient. At least to help me deal with the frustration of having to accept limitations.

Welcome.

2006-04-10T16:00:00.000-05:00

Perspective is everything, some say. I'm not sure I'd go that far, but I agree that perspective is important. We all have our own perspectives on life, due to our individual experiences and circumstances. It makes for a fascinating world but it also creates a lot of misunderstanding. Walk in someone else's shoes for awhile and you gain more insight. You might not understand their exact perspective, but you would hopefully have more understanding for why that person is who she is, and why she responds to certain situations the way she does. It'd be interesting, to say the least.

My own life experiences and circumstances have shaped who I am today. And who I am today is not the same person I was ten years ago, five years ago, and even last year. Life has taken several turns--some good, some quite difficult. These turns have changed some of my thoughts on faith and life. And sometimes I simply want to share these thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Thus, I started a blog. I don't claim to have the correct perspective on everything. Nor do I claim to speak for all people who have similar experiences--everyone's different. I simply want to share my perspectives which, though not everything, as some say, are certainly important to me.

So, welcome.