The Preacher's Wife

When Jim and I first got engaged, he was an Associate Pastor and I was still in seminary. Someone from his church thought it'd be funny to send me a scarf--a nice, wool scarf--with the embroidered words, "The Preacher's Wife", from that Whitney Houston movie. So I got this nice package in the mail, and was not very amused. I understand her humor, but it hit a sensitve spot at the time. I laughed, of course, and told the woman thank you, of course.. but inside, I was annoyed. Somehow I knew this was the beginning of many misunderstandings.

Now, more than nine years later, the misunderstandings continue. In the past week, I have been referred to as "the pastor's wife" three times. It's not that people who say this are trying to demean me or my job..in some cases they honestly don't understand that I am a pastor. But sometimes they just don't seem to think, either. One person, from another church, once asked me "Did you preach today, Cathy?" I said, "Yes." Someone next to her looked surprised, and the first lady turned to the second and whispered, as I was walking out of the room.. "That's the pastor's wife".

I preached that day, I continue to preach, I have a degree, the same degree as my husband, who happens to also be a pastor!!! I don't know what it's going to take to change this inconsistent-pastoral-language-issue. I suppose more patience and time. Occasionally I respond by inserting the words "Pastor Cathy" in another sentence during the conversation... but it rarely changes things. I'm not sure how to change things... I don't want to seem militant.. I certainly don't need adults to call me "Pastor Cathy".. But if they call Jim "Pastor Jim", then I do need them to refer to me in the same way. Except replacing the name "Jim" with the name "Cathy", of course.

Many years ago an elderly lady said to me, "honey, you look too young to be a pastor's wife." I told her to not refer to me as a pastor's wife unless she referred to Jim as a pastor's husband." She laughed, apologized, and began calling me "Pastor Cathy" from then on. But I can't always be that blunt with everybody. And that's ok. I just have to deal with it sometimes. "It" being the inconsistent treatment -intentional or otherwise-of female and male ministers. I can chalk it up to not quite understanding, maybe tradition and habit.. I don't know. But sometimes it's just annoying. This is one of those times.

By the way, about five or so years into our marriage, when I was having a particularly bad day with the inconsistent-pastoral-language-issue, I went out and bought a seam ripper. I came home, found the infamous scarf with "The Preacher's Wife" on it, and I ripped out the apostrophe, the W, i, f, e.. so now it reads, "The Preacher s". Neither one of us has worn it. Maybe one of us will use it this winter. Or maybe it will end up in a garage sale for some other clergy couple.