...and a little shame

At church that Sunday in Vermont, at the church I have previously referred to as one of my favorite churches, I felt shame. I should also say, again, that I love Windham church. Absolutely love it. I don't blame anyone for the feelings I felt that day. This is just a sad reality of infertility and other such situations: being in church is sometimes challenging.

We read, responsively, Psalm 127. Psalm 127 had not caught my eye much in the past four-and-a-half years. But that day it did. Because I was reading it aloud.. And because it made my eyes tear up... "Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warrior’s hands. How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them! He will not be put to shame when he confronts his accusers at the city gates." (verses 3-5, NLT)

During the responsive reading, we sang, twice:

We will not be put to shame.
We will not be put to shame.

And yet, I felt complete and utter shame by the fact that my husband and I cannot have biological children. Do I still want to adopt? Absolutely. That's not the issue. The issue is that I am put to shame every morning when I wake up and remember that it's been almost a year-and-a-half since we started the adoption process, and still have no daughter.. that we've been trying to have kids for almost five years... that some people get pregnant so quickly, and others struggle and struggle and struggle... and nothing. Yes, I have been put to shame. Even though I'm not a "young man", I'm a woman who's fighting a battle: the battle of infertility. My quiver has no children. My soul feels shame and sadness on a daily basis.

And yet, I hope. At least I try to hope. And when I can't, I count on friends and family to hope for me, for us, because sometimes it's just too hard.

a little hope...

In Vermont, recently, I bought a sign of hope for our future adopted daughter. I bought a Mary Meyer teddy bear, and a Mary Meyer moose. I bought these stuffed toys for two reasons: One, they're all I can emotionallly afford to buy for our future daughter right now. They're the first things I have been able to purchase for a future child, and the last things for quite awhile. At least that's how I feel today. Second, this was the last time I foresee being in Vermont until we go to China. And I want our daughter's first toy from us to be a Mary Meyer teddy bear.

Mary Meyer was a resident of my hometown, Townshend, VT. (Technically my hometown is W. Townshend, but I call them both home.) Before my family moved there, Mary Meyer had started her toy company. Actually, she started it elsewhere, but moved it to Townshend in the '40's. and the factory was in Townshend, a few short miles from my parents' home. Every Christmas time, the gradeschool in Townshend gave a Christmas program at the Town Hall. At the end of the program, all of us gradeschool children lined up, and Mary Meyer handed us each a stuffed toy from her factory. It was one of the highlights of the year for some of us small kids.

Mary Meyer died in 1999, but her family carries on the company in her name. So when I was in Vermont, I had my dad stop at the Mary Meyer store while Tessa and I went inside to choose a toy for our future daughter. Tessa helped me choose two. That's my little bit of hope.

Thank you, Mary Meyer.. thank you for those toys you gave me so long ago, and thank you for the little bit of hope you continue to give me today.

Hasta luego, popcorn!

Popcorn is one of my favorite foods. Drenched in butter, of course. So this afternoon Maria joined me in a huge venture: eating my last tub of movie popcorn. Last tub, that is, for two years. Yep, that's right- two years. No, I'm not disciplined enough to give it up on my own. Not movie popcorn, not non-movie popcorn. I don't give up popcorn easily. Instead I'm getting braces tomorrow, and will have them on for two years! Sigh. Not sure how I feel about that. Eventually I hope I'll be grateful. For now I'm a bit worried about having braces as an adult, for two years, in upcoming photos in China with our newly adopted daughter (dare I even say that, or will that jinx it?), etc. Vain, I know, but true. I'm a bit nervous.

But back to the popcorn. No popcorn for two years. So Maria and I went to the movies and saw "Casino Royale", the new James Bond movie. Good, though violent. It is Bond, after all... I should have remembered that. Anyhow, fun movie, and even better popcorn. Hopefully it will last, since I'll have two years without it.

Hasta luego, popcorn! Hola, braces...
Hasta luego, that is, unless I find some hull-less popcorn....

Big-breasted turkey

Jo Ann made super wild rice scones for our Thanksgiving breakfast.

We relaxed over coffee and scones, until we realized we needed to get started on the turkey.

We prepped the turkey.

Our turkey was too big.

The electric roaster manual claims to hold a turkey of that size.

Sometimes manuals aren't accurate.

Or they don't tell the whole truth: the roaster held the turkey...the lid just didn't close all the way.

We warmed up the oven and Jim ran to the store to buy a bigger foil roasting pan, so we could transfer the turkey to the oven.

Four to five hours later, Jo Ann and I figured out where the turkey thigh was, to poke the meat thermometer into.

Everything was basically ready at the same time.

Jo Ann had decorated the table with stuff from our kitchen and collections of napkins and candles.

Charlie brought sparkling apple cider.

Wich got to drive his new car (a '99 Beetle) to pick up his friend, Kevin, for dinner.

We stuffed ourselves on mashed potatoes, turkey, apple and sausage stuffing, brussel sprouts (for Charlie), crescent rolls, waldorf salad, and the All-American green bean dish.

Dessert was Rita's sweet potato pie, and Jo Ann's excellent apple pie.

Dessert was accompanied by Guatemalan coffee. Mmm mmm good.

Cooking together with friends is loads of fun.

Taking a walk after dinner is necessary.

Watching a favorite TV show at night with friends is a good way to finish the day.

Happy Belated Thanksgiving....

Vermont... home.

I'm in Vermont. I love Vermont. Home. I flew to Hartford on Saturday, my sister and her family picked me up at the airport, and we drove to Vermont, to my parents home, where we celebrated my Dad's 70th birthday. His birthday was actually yesterday, but fun to celebrate when Susie and her family were here too.

I've been helping my mother in recent days with her new computer... a laptop. We're talking basics, as well more advanced stuff like photo editing. It's been quite good for my ego, making me falsely feel like a Mac Genius. "Falsely" being the key word there. Still, it's fun, and fun to see my mother learn some computer stuff.


Saturday afternoon, Susie (my oldest sister) and I took a walk up the mountain from my parents' home, just enjoying the woods, the sunny day, the gorgeous weather, etc. Two of these photos are from that walk (the fern, and the barbed wire "crown of thorns").

That evening before dinner, I painted Bennett's, face.. like a tiger. Bennett is my four-year old nephew, and he was a riot.... crawling on his hands and knees, growling at everyone, "scaring" us. I finally asked the "tiger" where Bennett was. He looked at me, pointed to his face with both his hands, and said, "I'm here-- inside!"

Sunday we attended one of my favorite churches in the world: Windham Congregational Church. Favorite because I spent several years there as a youngster, and favorite because it's so Windham.. quaint, small.. country church. In the fall/winter/early spring they hold their services downstairs in the fellowship hall/town library.. because the upstairs sanctuary isn't heated. So the 20-25 of us sat in a circle of hardback wooden chairs, balancing hymnals, bibles, bulletins on our laps, while participating in the worship service. I love Windham.

Now Mom and I are at the Twilight Tea Lounge in Brattleboro, which has free wireless internet with a purchase of tea. Mom's working on her blog, I'm checking email and working on my blog, enjoying the tea lounge atmosphere. And enjoying Mom's discovery of the internet! Really! It's pretty fun..

Tomorrow I return to Madison. It'll be good to see Jim, Shogo, Wich, Abby and Entropy.. But I'll miss being with my parents and Tessa here in Vermont. Until next time!