Surviving Mother's Day

Another Mother's Day gone by. This one was the hardest yet, of the past four Mother's Days. I guess it's because last year's Mother's Day held so much promise that this year I'd actually be celebrating as a mother and not only as a daughter. Last year at this time we were going through In Vitro, and things looked hopeful. And yet here we are, another year gone by, still childless. Though the holiday is now over, the pain of not being a mother is stronger this morning than it was Saturday morning, thanks to yesterday. I wonder if there are any greeting cards that say, "Sorry you're not a mother yet again... maybe next year. Here's to hoping. But don't get your hopes up too much, because you never know what could go wrong in the next 12 months." I wake up today still not a mother, and a holiday doesn't change that, one way or another. What has changed is that this year the diagnosis of "unexplained infertility" is more permanent. And yet, this year our paperwork is in China. So, I should hope. I should know that someday this will happen. And when I think outside my emotions I do hope. But I'm only cautiously hopeful. Yesterday someone said to me, "I'm saying 'Happy Mother's Day' to you in faith." So I have to keep the faith, hard as it is, that someday I won't dread the middle of May so much.

There are many who dread this holiday. Those like me, infertile for years.....my single friends who wish they were married and mothers.... those whose relationships with a mother are either non-existent or strained.... those who have lost children.... those who have lost mothers....

The truth is, I am fortunate to have my mother and other "mothers" in my life.. I am thankful to God for my own biological mother who has continued to love, care for, pray for and influence me. She and my father have taught me from childhood how to love God and God's people. I'm thankful for my grandmother, whose strong spirit and character keeps me laughing and impressed. I'm thankful for my mother-in-law, whose compassion and generosity are an example to those around her. And I'm thankful to the many mother figures in my life who have provided guidance, love, some correction, and lots of patience.

But I'm still wanting, and cautiously hoping for the day when I, too, can celebrate this day as an actual mother. Someday? we'll see.... check back next year.