Back to life, back to reality

I’ll blog about Tikal, Guatemala, later..

But for now, I’m facing reality. It’s Monday, and though that means a day off, I have several work items to take care of today. Normally I’d let them slide until tomorrow, but today I need to contact some people, prep for our camp speaking next week, and just get my head organized for the busy week ahead. Back to reality. I like my reality, really. I like our life, I enjoy church, camp, phone calls, etc. So it’s not so much that reality that hurts, as much as the reality of (a) not being on vacation.. I mean let’s face it. Who wouldn’t want to be on permanent vacation? And (b) infertility.

While it stared me in the face constantly in Guatemala, it somehow stares me in the face more directly back home. In Guatemala, I thought about it all the time. The injustice of all these kids we hear about in orphanages, waiting for Western parents to pay lots of money to adopt them, after they have gone through the grueling process of paperwork that most couples don't have to even think about, when they simply get pregnant. And let's not even talk about the finances of adoption. In Guatemala, many we met were one out of 7, 8, 10 children.. Not that Guatemalans don’t suffer from infertility. I suspect many do. And yet, as much as I thought about infertility in Guatemala, it hits harder back here at home.. the injustice, the reality of what I don’t have, facing pregnant bellies around me. Even on the plane from Houston to Minneapolis, there was a newborn baby in the seat in front of us and a screaming 8-or-so-month old in the seat behind us.

I know God’s in here somewhere. Do I think our struggles with this issue are for some grand reason? No, I really don’t. I think it’s the harsh reality of life. Life is harsh for most people at various times, and we have just had a hard run of things. That's life. I don't think it's God's master plan to make us suffer so we can learn something. With that reasoning.... yeah, I can't even go there. That reasoning just makes me more upset with God and the inequities of how God doles out education. Most of the world struggles, those in Guatemala struggle with poverty, corrupt and violent governments over the years.. making ends meet, illness without adequate health systems, etc.. For Jim and me, infertility has been one of our many struggles. Do I think God can work good in this? Yes, I do. I think that in our pain and daily struggles, God is working, and God will continue to work. But that does not take away the pain of today, yesterday, or tomorrow’s sadness. However, adoption is on the horizon, and I am grateful. I wish I could have brought back three kids from Guatemala, and adopt three from China... but I’m counting on our one Chinese daughter, assuming that doesn't fall through. Someday.. I’m hoping.

In the meantime, today, no daughter. Today, no pregnancy. Today, no due date to anticipate and prepare for and share with everybody. Today no specifics to hope for--except that we will have a girl from China. No known age, or timing... someday, God willing.

So, back to life, back to reality... I've fed my need to vent for a few minutes, and off I go to drink more coffee, and get ready for the week.