Packers Fan? Eeeeesh...

I don't want to root for the Green Bay Packers this season. It's not that I'm an avid football fan. But in the past I have cheered for the Minnesota Vikings, out of loyalty to my husband's home state. But this year I might root for the Packers-at least for a few games. Just for Connie.

Connie died Saturday evening, and NFL aside, I'm having a hard time accepting her death. I struggle to agree so quickly with others that this is a good thing-that her earthly pain was such that she is much better now.. she's with God.. she's joined the church triumphant... she's in a better place. Well obviously! of course she's in a better place.. Hopefully most of us are going to that better place eventually. My struggle comes at no surprise to those who know me well: I wish God would make earth a better place for more people, instead of letting it be so dang difficult, then letting them die. I know, I don't need to understand, just trust. God's ways are better than our ways.. I can't see the big picture.... good can come out of Connie's death. I know. I'm still sad. I'm sad because God didn't heal her of her cancer while she was on earth. I'm sad because she had a difficult life, and then she died. And I'm sad because I miss her.

Yesterday I missed her. I thought, for a split second before church, that she was coming up the aisle to give us hugs in the front row as she so often did. And I started to cry, then fought back tears the rest of the service. I miss Connie's enthusiasm, even in her sickness.. I miss her funny phrases, her smile and her fighting spirit as she talked about how much she hated the Cubs... and the Vikings.

Last year Connie knit Vikings colors hats for Jim and me. She told us it was a true labor of love, she hated the Vikings so much.. but she loved us so much she was willing to do it! So this season I think I'll root for the Packers for a few games at least... in memory of Connie.

But all sports aside, I miss her.

Two Weddings and a Memorial

It's a strange week in pastoral ministry.

Sunday evening we officiated at a small wedding at church. We originally thought it would only be a few people besides the bride, groom, and the bride's two children. It turned out to be much bigger, but loads of fun. The wedding was unique... the groom wore a stark white suit, a Panama-style hat for part of the evening, and red leather shoes. There was no music available (this was supposed to be small..) but at the last moment, the best man's fiancee was asked-by the groom-to pinch hit and sing for the processional, and she did phenomenally well. I love small weddings. Afterwards we were invited to their small party down the street. The bride is from the Ivory Coast, and many of her guests are also. Sitting with them, listening to them speak--both English and French--hearing about life in Africa, and life as an immigrant here in the States..it felt like a homecoming for me. Strange, but true. Strange because I was born in the Congo (Zaire). But I felt at home with those from the Ivory Coast, another African country. I hope to see the bride's friends again sometime. I also enjoyed the opportunity to hang out with another lady from our church.

Last Saturday, Joe died. Joe has been a member of our church for ages, and was quite sick in recent years. Jim visited him numerous times in the past year. I have visited him once or twice. We went to see Joe last Saturday, after receiving a call from his caregivers that he was dying.. and we missed him by 5 minutes. I was so sad. Not that he would have known our presence-he was pretty much catatonic for the past week or so, I understand. But nobody should die alone. Apparently the caregivers were with him when he died, for which I am grateful. Tomorrow we remember Joe in our church memorial service, and I am sure we will laugh much at many stories.. there are many funny stories with Joe. There will also be sadness- at the fact that he suffered so much while on earth here. And yet, because of that, there is also much joy-that Joe is no longer suffering the horrible physical pain he suffered for so long.

On Saturday we will be two of three ministerial participants in another wedding. We're looking forward to this wedding of friends and parishioners. We're honored to be part of the ceremony, and can't wait to have the bride and groom back in town to hang out with again. I have spent several hours this week trying to figure out what to wear--what does a female minister wear to an outdoor wedding where it might be quite hot.... I want to wear something fun but professional, funky but not flashy, colorful but not clashing with the bridal party's colors...I'll probably settle for good old black. Regardless of what I end up wearing to this wedding, I'm looking forward to the celebration of this couple's love for each other and for Christ.

This week has also brought daily trips to Hospice to visit another parishioner dying of cancer. Every day I tear up a little, saddened by the imminent death. This lady is -was-so full of life, even in her sicker days.... that it is painful to see her like this. I keep hoping for a miracle.. for her to sit straight up, open her eyes, and say, "I'm healed!" A few times her husband and Jim and I have talked about the Chicago Cubs, (as bad as they're doing), trying to get a reaction out of her, because she can't stand the Cubs! But so far, no miracle. She will be missed by many, and I have been touched by the amount of people who have stopped by to visit. As one woman said to me, about the dying woman, "She worked her way into everyone's hearts." She sure did...especially this heart.

And so this week is a strange week in pastoral ministry. Bookended with weddings... one to begin the week, one to end the week.. a memorial service tomorrow.. daily visits to a dying woman. Life, and death.. celebration.. and grief.

The Preacher's Wife

When Jim and I first got engaged, he was an Associate Pastor and I was still in seminary. Someone from his church thought it'd be funny to send me a scarf--a nice, wool scarf--with the embroidered words, "The Preacher's Wife", from that Whitney Houston movie. So I got this nice package in the mail, and was not very amused. I understand her humor, but it hit a sensitve spot at the time. I laughed, of course, and told the woman thank you, of course.. but inside, I was annoyed. Somehow I knew this was the beginning of many misunderstandings.

Now, more than nine years later, the misunderstandings continue. In the past week, I have been referred to as "the pastor's wife" three times. It's not that people who say this are trying to demean me or my job..in some cases they honestly don't understand that I am a pastor. But sometimes they just don't seem to think, either. One person, from another church, once asked me "Did you preach today, Cathy?" I said, "Yes." Someone next to her looked surprised, and the first lady turned to the second and whispered, as I was walking out of the room.. "That's the pastor's wife".

I preached that day, I continue to preach, I have a degree, the same degree as my husband, who happens to also be a pastor!!! I don't know what it's going to take to change this inconsistent-pastoral-language-issue. I suppose more patience and time. Occasionally I respond by inserting the words "Pastor Cathy" in another sentence during the conversation... but it rarely changes things. I'm not sure how to change things... I don't want to seem militant.. I certainly don't need adults to call me "Pastor Cathy".. But if they call Jim "Pastor Jim", then I do need them to refer to me in the same way. Except replacing the name "Jim" with the name "Cathy", of course.

Many years ago an elderly lady said to me, "honey, you look too young to be a pastor's wife." I told her to not refer to me as a pastor's wife unless she referred to Jim as a pastor's husband." She laughed, apologized, and began calling me "Pastor Cathy" from then on. But I can't always be that blunt with everybody. And that's ok. I just have to deal with it sometimes. "It" being the inconsistent treatment -intentional or otherwise-of female and male ministers. I can chalk it up to not quite understanding, maybe tradition and habit.. I don't know. But sometimes it's just annoying. This is one of those times.

By the way, about five or so years into our marriage, when I was having a particularly bad day with the inconsistent-pastoral-language-issue, I went out and bought a seam ripper. I came home, found the infamous scarf with "The Preacher's Wife" on it, and I ripped out the apostrophe, the W, i, f, e.. so now it reads, "The Preacher s". Neither one of us has worn it. Maybe one of us will use it this winter. Or maybe it will end up in a garage sale for some other clergy couple.

Brat City

(For non-Wisconsin-ites: That would be pronounced more like "brought" , than "brat" like a snobby kid... )

I'd never been to Sheboygan, WI, a.k.a. "Brat City" before today. I like it! I like it a lot! Lots of cool houses, a nice lake, good food.. Our District Clergy (Southern WI, Green Bay, and Libertyville, IL) met today in Sheboygan (See the "Steve, in Brat City" link for a picture of us today..). I really think we have one of the greatest districts. And not just because Steve and Kathy Pedersen fed us incredible brats and excellent strawberry cake. But also because this district prays for each other, because we love being together, and because we're just such fun to be around. Today we said goodbye to Cliff, whom we just recently met.. but we wish him well. And we got to see other clergy we had not seen in awhile. It's a good thing, this district, this body of Christ meeting for fun, fellowship, and prayer. I'm thankful for such a group.

Reminders

I was reminded this morning that I had not updated my blog, to report in on my "one-on-one". I was so nervous about my "one-on-one", but I survived.. Not only did I survive, it was helpful, affirming, and boosted my confidence in my preaching. Scott gave me some things to work on-which I agreed with, so that's good. Overall, the Preachers' Oasis renewed and refreshed me. Thanks to the Center for Excellence in Preaching for putting on an excellent Oasis, and gathering 14 preachers together to learn, laugh, and be challeneged.

On the way home I stopped in Chicago to see Jen D. I drove up Lake Shore Drive, then up Foster..even though I was in traffic, I loved it, because it reminded me of seminary days.. I met Jen at the Library (a good reminder that the Covenant also has cool buildings, not just Calvin), where she was working hard at Greek. We went for ice-cream, and sat talking in the air-conditioned ice-cream shop. Fun. It was good to be with Jen...

2006 has been a firefly summer...astounding. Driving in Wisconsin Friday night, the fireflies almost sent me off the road, because I kept looking at the cornfields all lit up. Beautiful. It reminded me of the night in Canada when I was driving youth home from a retreat, and I saw the Northern Lights and almost went off the road. And it reminded me of God's incredible creation.

I listened to a book on CD that wasn't that good, and finally, when I realized that I was no longer listening, I ejected it, and put in my "Lost and Found" CD. Lost and Found is always good for my soul. Their lyrics and music are a good reminder to keep trusting in God even when I don't want to.

I'm writing an article about infertility. It's hard. It's difficult to be concise about four plus years of pain, heartache, grieving.. and at the same time affirm hope in adoption. The pain is always there, if not on top of the surface, then right underneath. Fortunately I've also been reading Dawn and Andrew's blog, about their recent trip to China to pick up their daughter, and their return home. Reminders of what is hopefully to come.

This whole week has been one big reminder: a reminder that I belong to God... a reminder of parts of Cathy I had put aside... reminders that God loves, calls and challenges me, a reminder that I actually like the preaching task...and a reminder that I do enjoy life.

LOL

In IM/chatting lingo, "LOL" stands for "laugh out loud". This week, that is one thing I have done often. It has been good for the soul and the body. We have laughed during lectures, during breakfast, conversations around random groupings, at dinners, in car trips.. it's great. Laugh out Loud, Lots of Laughter.. whatever you call it, this week's laughter has nourished me. Who would think that 14 preachers at a Preachers' workshop would enjoy themselves this much? I expected some, but this has truly been good for me... so far... tomorrow's D-Day. But for now, I'm enjoying the laughter, the learning, and the community.

I love this place

Don't worry, I'm not a convert.. I still love the Covenant. But this place is great-the campus, the people.. Today a Presbyterian minister from Canada gave me the tour. She has been down here several times for workshops, etc. and she and her colleague have just published an Alban Institute book.. Anyhow, she gave me the library tour, the center I've already forgotten the Dutch name for, which contains all things John Calvin, the Seminary.. the Christian Ministry Resource Center, the Institute for Christian Worship... it's quite remarkable. The library has more current periodicals than I knew existed. Honestly. It left me speechless, which is pretty impressive.

The Center for Excellence in Preaching, which is hosting this "Preacher's Oasis", has been in existence for one year now. Scott Hoezee (pronounced "Jose") is the Director. Scott and his colleagues, Mary Hulst and Randy Bytwerk, are instructing us in the mornings.They are engaging, interesting, helpful, fun, humorous and challenging. And I wish we could hear from them more. Our group is quite talktative! That said, the group tangents were also helpful, but I would have loved to hear Randy more this morning.

Much of today's conversation centered around ideas for sermons. Not actual ideas, but thinking of and developing them. We also discussed the conflicting views on Power Point and other such media (only use it if it helps make a sermon stronger, is the general opinion here..). Interesting for me to think about while Arbor is still hoping to buy a screen/projector. I look forward to that time, but today's discussion reminded me of the necessity to do it right. It's also a bit refreshing... much talk in the past two days has been both affirming and challenging.

Thursday is my "one-on-one" with Scott Hoezee... I admit I'm nervous. This one-on-one includes viewing my two videotaped sermons (eeeck!), and reviewing comments on congregational evaluations. Fortunately I'm still able to enjoy these days while waiting for the scariest part of this workshop.

So, two more days...

Women Preachers

This morning I went upstairs for coffee, shortly after 6:30. As I was pouring my coffee, a young college-age guy sat nearby, fixing a button on his outfit. He obviously worked in the Breakfast Room for Prince CC. Here's the conversation we had.

YG (young guy): Are you here for some big meeting or something?

C: Well, I’m here for a workshop.

YG: Oh yeah? What workshop?

C: The Preacher’s Oasis.

YG: Are you a preacher?

C: I am.

YG: Get out of here!

C: Yep, I’m a preacher.

YG: Wow. So were you at the synod meeting?

C: No, I’m from the Evangelical Covenant Church. I drove in from Madison, WI last night.

YG: Oh. So what does the EV Free think of women preachers?

C: Well, I’m not EV Free. I’m Evangelical Covenant. And the Covenant has been ordaining women for 30 years.

YG: 30 years? No way.

C: Yes, 30 Years.

YG: Wow. Well in the Synod it was a big deal this year. …The '95 decision was being revisited, no agreement could be made. Older guard feels real strongly that women shouldn’t preach… etc.. finally they came to some decision to take a hiatus from the discussion for 7 years. They did remove the word "man" from something, but they also decided that women could not be elected to the Synod.

C: What? Wow!

YG: Yeah, it was all pretty exciting. History in the making..

C: Exciting? How do the women feel about this?

YG: Well, they should be happy… there was some good ground made for them.

C: Hmmm... I doubt they feel very excited.

YG: Well, except for waiting for seven years, they should feel good about the ground made for them. But it was pretty exciting. I’m not even sure how I feel about the whole issue.



Interesting. I offered to talk or listen to him this week, if he wants to discuss the issue at all. If he's not on a 7-year hiatus, that is.

This conversation made me appreciate the Covenant. Granted, I can write this because I have a job as a senior-co-pastor in a good church. My stories of people opposing my calling are not extremely painful. Granted, there are moments when there is pain. There are ways people approach Jim and me differently, even in the most progressive communities. Still, I have been fortunate, and appreciate my denomination. Others may not feel the same way, as they still seek calls within the denomination they want to call "home", or as they continue to climb uphill everyday when they go to work. One friend of mine has left the Covenant for one that offered her a job, and has numerous women clergy.

We have far to go, I still believe. And yet, I am still thankful. Thankful for the women who went ahead of me and my colleagues. The women who fought the hard battles early on when it wasn't the "in" thing to do. The women who followed their callings.. and the ones who continue to move forward. And I am thankful for the men who can't believe this even has to be an issue because it is so obvious-and Biblical-that women and men are both gifted for ministry.

Thank you, to those who continue to plough ahead. And thank you to those of churches or denominations where the progress is slow or backwards... Thank you for following your calls anyhow, and hang in there.

Progress?

At least today. After yesterday's post where I mentioned tearing up in church songs, I found today's service kind of funny for me in that respect- no tears! I loved it. Finally. Let's hope this progress lasts.

More progress... the Cubs won! three games in a row! Unbelievable. Yeah, Cubs!

I'm in Grand Rapids, at the Prince Conference Center (Calvin College/Seminary), all checked into my room. This evening's drive from Chicagoland into Michigan was gorgeous. Evening sky with pink bursts of sunshine backed by purples and blues... and later a brilliant orange moon. Kris, if you're reading this, I waved to your exit, and thought of you as I passed by.

Tomorrow I begin the Preaching workshop, called "Preacher's Oasis". Hopefully it will live up to its name. In the meantime, as much as I already miss home, I'm happy to be here.

No profound thoughts, only random ones..

I've tried to write blog posts for the past week, and each draft I write is less than satisfactory. So I'm scratching them all and writing this one.. here's a summary of my life/thoughts this past week...

The bunnies are gone. We're hoping that's a good thing. Jo Ann took these photos of me trying to keep the bunnies in their nest.. The black rectangular bucket deal is a cover Jim put (on garden stakes) over the nest, so the rain wouldn't drown the babies.. as happened to us once in NJ. So, I tried to keep the babies in their nest, and it worked. They fell asleep while I held my hands over the nest. Either that or they pretended to sleep until I left. Regardless, they were gone the next morning, and I'm hoping they are safe somewhere else. I was laughing so hard, while lying on the ground, holding my hands over the bunny nest, realizing how ridiculous this whole saga is. What can I say..? I love animals, and I love babies.

Speaking of babies, it's been a hard week on that front. Some nieces and nephews (from two families) were getting together this past week, and I am frankly jealous that I don't have a kid their age to play with them at this stage. My birthday came and went, and I don't like the fact that I'm 36. Age never used to bother me, until we were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. And until my body began to feel like it's much older than 30's, thanks to my friend Fibro. I've spent a lot of time this week mourning the loss of our 19 embryos last year, and again, the loss of some dreams.. and wondering if we will ever get a Chinese daughter. I have to admit, I'm a little fearful that since we're in the process, China will stop adoptions all together. Adoption agencies are not predicting this..I repeat, adoption agencies are not predicting this! I only know our luck, and cannot believe it will actually happen for us.

Which leads to more thoughts of the week... I miss the days of simple faith. I miss the days when I could actually trust, simply trust, that God would work things out before the end. People often say "things will all work out in the end".. well, yeah! I know who wins in the end.. But I want things to work out before the end, and I'm just not sure they're going to. So I'm missing my days of simple faith. I miss the days when I bounced back quickly from disappointment and pain and rough times.. I miss the days when most church hymns and songs didn't make me tear up, and not in joyful ways... I miss the days when I was the positive one, viewing "life's-not-going-as-planned" events as God things... good God things.., not the feeling that God's playing cosmic jokes on us. So, that's that..

Jo Ann came up last weekend, and we were busy, but had fun. We hung out at Barriques, twice.. we went to fireworks, twice.. the first time got cancelled. We hung out with Sho and Wich (our international students) and Jim. We cooked and baked! Shocking, I know, but becoming less shocking with each meal I cook. Last weekend it was Swiss Chard Pie (in other words, quiche)...strawberry shortcake...Thai Basil Chicken... mmm mmm good. (Tonight I made Swiss Chard Polenta.) And we went to see "Harry Potter" at the outdoor cinema overlooking Lake Mendota, but.. too crowded, and too small a screen. So we just walked around Memorial Union instead, then returned home.

Last night we saw our new neighbor friend. New, as in new friend, not new neighbor.. Ages ago, she and I agreed that we should take walks together. So hopefully soon we'll do that. I love getting to know our neighbors. Absolutely love it. And I miss some old neighbors in New Jersey..

Tomorrow I leave for Calvin Seminary for the week, for my Preacher's Workshop. I'm nervous, excited, panicking, and fine all at once. And not completely packed yet. Almost packed, which is also shocking. But I'm thrilled by the looks of the conference center I'll be staying at, so if the Preacher's Workshop is as frightening as I sometimes imagine it being, I'll at least have a nice place to go freak out in!

Life and Death in the Backyard

It's been a hard two days for our backyard bunnies. And for this lover of animals. Abby somehow got out of the house yesterday afternoon and headed straight for the bunny nest. I heard her barking, came out to see, and she was standing over a dying bunny, waiting for it to play with her. Sad, so sad. Five bunnies left. I put Abby back in the house, checked on the nest, and found only three left. Two had gone missing, and it wasn't long enough for Abby to eat them. We had some visitors and for 10 minutes we wandered the yard, searching. Finally, both were found and returned to their nest, and our dog was kept on a short leash for the rest of the night.

This morning after returning from the Farmer's Market, we saw our neighbor. She had just found one of the bunnies. I went to the nest and counted... no, there were still five there. So, either this one raised from the dead, or there's another nest in the neighborhood. The neighbor and I finally caught this little tiny one, and decided to return it to our nest, since we didn't know where else it should go, but figured it needed care. I know, it's nature, we should let nature take its course, but at what point do we help out, and at what point are we hindering? I wish I knew so I could act accordingly.

Slightly satisfied that we had a full bunny nest, and that all the little guys were going to receive care, we came inside. You'd think we'd learn, but somehow we left the door open again, Abby got out... I heard squeaking and ran outside to find two dying bunnies this time.. Abby looking at both of them as if they should be playing with her. Again. Down to four.. Ugh. I went to the nest, but ooopss... only one remained! Three had escaped... I found one, and returned it to the nest, but it kept jumping out.. understandably. I wouldn't trust that location anymore either!

After letting it be on its own in my flowers for a few minutes, I decided to pick it up and hold it.. as I was, the other one hopped out of its nest, too... so I sat there, for more than 30 minutes, holding two bunnies, wishing I knew what to do. Again, was I helping or hindering? They both nestled into my arms and hands, sleeping, and I didn't want to disrupt them, but also wanted to return them to the place their mother could find them. What to do?

Then our Japanese student came out and spotted the two missing ones against the side of the garage. He brought them over to me, and now I was sitting in the grass holding four baby bunnies.

I asked Jim to go do some internet research.. we already knew, from our bunny adventures in New Jersey, that mother rabbits do return to their young even if touched by humans. But now with all this trauma? and so many gone? Jim reported that bunnies should be returned to their nest.. that the mother only comes by at night and in the morning briefly.. so even if it appears that she has abandoned them, she probably hasn't.

That's a relief.

So for now, we are back up to four baby bunnies, sleeping in their nest...
one golden retriever, no longer allowed to play in her own backyard...
two remorseful humans who accidentally let their dog out...
and hopefully one adult rabbit, planning on returning to her nest tonight.